I Literally Loved You, Jose Altuve



I loved my heart out for you, Jose Altuve. I rooted for you to win. I experienced the agony of your strike outs in my heart and thrilled at your runs scored with all the pure fandom in my body.

And you broke my heart.

I thought I was over you. I thought I had moved on. I set my wisened eyes on the 2020 season.

But I was not immune, because, today, you crushed me anew.

Hey, y’all, they had a great team meeting and they feel bad. And to prove it, they are determined to bring the championship back to Houston. This time, it’ll be legit.

In the locker room later, Alive told reporters he “kinda” knew that what they were doing was wrong:

I think the LA media summed it up best:

PS Justin Verlander, you hypocrite, you did wrong too.

You don’t have to have each other’s cheating backs. Do the right thing.

BTW, Astros’ first spring training game is versus the Nats on the 22nd. 👀

5 thoughts on “I Literally Loved You, Jose Altuve

  1. I rooted for the Astros. Bought my son an Astros hoodie. I can’t say I’m hurt by their behavior, not even shocked. However, they deserve every bit of embarrassment they’re getting and will continue to get. This is probably going to be a distraction for them all season long. I’ll also bet they end up leading MLB in HBP.

    The current most interesting thing to me about the Astros is how all the seemingly genuine apologies and expressions of remorse so far have come from former Astros only.


    1. Why? It’s no surprise to me the guys who don’t have to walk back into that clubhouse and face ostracism are the ones who feel safe coming clean. They’re like the Mitt Romneys of Houston.


  2. The whole “we’re sorta kinda sorry but we still believe that our World Series championship was legit” coming from guys like Bregman and Altuve and especially from owner Jim Crane is about as tone-deaf as it gets. Per Lance McCullers Jr., “the road is going to be hostile”. He’s not wrong.


    1. He’s lucky he’s not in the Cormac McCarthy version. At least the likelihood of his being eaten by a fan is fairly minimal.


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