MLB Announces Failure To Put The Ball In Play Fine

Does it surprise anyone here that Q is a baseball fan? Apparently he has become exasperated with strikeout strikeout strikeout strikeout homerun strikeout strikeout strikeout strikeout homerun baseball. He can’t understand why even a species as primitive as ours can’t see that the game of baseball needs to celebrate and display all of its attributes not just homeruns. He therefore asked MLB how would it be if they never had been and never will be. MLB begged for his forbearance and came up with the rule change below.

Baseball fans deserve to see hitters hit the ball, fielders to field the ball and players to run the bases. Each strikeout is a complete failure to provide that opportunity and therefore a dereliction of our duty to the fans to provide the best sporting entertainment possible. The purpose of this fine is to align financial incentives with the maintenance of the integrity of the game.

Therefore beginning the start of the 2019 regular season, teams will be fined $10,000.00 for each strikeout inflicted on the fans by their hitters.

Therefore beginning the start of the 2020 regular season, teams will be fined $15,000.00 for each strikeout inflicted on the fans by their hitters.

Therefore beginning the start of the 2021 regular season and continuing for each season thereafter, teams will be fined $20,000.00 for each strikeout inflicted on the fans by their hitters.

These fines will be held in escrow each season until the day following the end of the World Series. At that time the funds will be allocated back to the teams in proportion to each team’s team collective on base percentage for the season and playoffs.


Floats my boat. Let’s dance

Trust Funk Pukes stat head minions are scratching the lice out of their hair!

PFV (Player Financial Value) = WAR x WV (win value) – K’s x $10,000.00 / $15,000.00 / $20,000.00. That will be the starting point for calculating player value, but only the starting point. WV will have to be recalculated and on base percentage will have to be included in the final calculation.

Recently while discussing the commonly accepted calculation that regular season wins which are irrelevant to play off participation outcomes are of little or no revenue value, Jeter was overheard saying “what a beautiful business we have. In what other industry can you make as much money by building a terrible product as by building an average product?”

But will this consensus change if individual games increase in competitive intensity and game action due to financial incentives increasing the chances that on each pitch someone might actually hit the damn ball? Will attendance and TV ratings be materially affected? If so What is the correct WV to incorporate into the final calculation? Without historical data to call on as they attempt to allow for unfolding new realities will the stat heads again be robbed of their lunch money while their coke bottle glasses are broken? Will the Trust Funk Pukes be scratching their asses assuming their wallets are located in the usual pants pocket? Exciting times in saber-metrics.

Understandably the stat heads are already clamoring for at least the details of the on base percentage redistribution formula. When given by the league we can be sure that sales of Mountain Dew will spike.

No longer true?

The Free Agent Market???

Not enjoying a large contractual obligation Bryce Harper will not be put to death, but will his next contract include the verbal provision “okay Bryce this is what we’ll start with but if things don’t work out we might have to kill you”. Scott Boras might wonder “what will my compensation be if my client is put to death before the completion of his contract?. What are the relevant legal precedents of the Q Continuum?” Given their immortal omniscience’s are legal precedents even a relevant concept?. Should I just settle for working for the Trust Fund Pukes?”

Expect the free agent market to be low and slow.

Wonderful Wonderful Wonderful

My God, starting next year we get to see players hit the ball, catch the ball, throw the ball multiple times per game maybe even per inning. We’ll get to wonder who drilled a hole in that players glove, what was that base runner thinking, why can’t dude hit a cut off man? We’ll hurt our backs just watching infielders do somersaults. Baseball is baseball again!

Are you as excited as I am!

So how do you think the rule change will play out?

7 thoughts on “MLB Announces Failure To Put The Ball In Play Fine

  1. Winter meetings coming up. So far, all things considered, it’s been a pretty dull orfseason. It’s been mostly business moves, which reminds me of George Carlin’s classic comment about watching golf on television: “That’s about as interesting as watching flies fuck.”


  2. Whoa! I thought we kept all the good weed in the CA. How’d you get any?

    I agree that an unexpected result of the statistical analysts breakthroughs we live with is the three true outcomes being the most common outcomes. Who wants a man who will single and steal second? Give us the guy that hits a homer! What the fuck is situational hitting?!? Batter ain’t gettin’ on ESPN for a sac fly! Count ’em up: 100 singles + 25 homers is more than 100 singles + 25 doubles + 25 steals. Who cares if my 25 homers yield 26 RBI – runs batted in is proven mathematically to be a misleading and unimportant stat.

    There is a lot of truth to the efficiency created by our enlightened understanding of the game and how it’s played. One of those truths is that the game gets more boring. Can anyone recall the last time a player took first on a dropped third strike and an overthrow to first? Can anyone recall that lucky baserunner then stealing second and third and scoring on a deep fly ball? The players with those skill sets don’t reach MLB unless the can hit 20 homers. I miss that kind of excitement.


  3. And if we’re getting into Trek examples, MLB at present is like the planet with spores that made the crew happy. Bones drinking mint juleps and Spock hanging upside down from a tree to impress his girlfriend!

    MLB says everything’s fine, ignore those attendance drops and low TV ratings.


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