The news came as no surprise. Early this morning the phone rang and someone handed it to Christian Yelich, late of the Macondo Feesh. “You’ve won the National League MVP award for batting .326 with 36 home runs and 110 ribbies, leading the league in average, slugging percentage (.770), OPS (1.000), weighted runs created plus, weighted on-base average and adjusted OPS while leading NL hitters in every version of wins above replacement,” said the caller. “I can’t see you,” Yelich replied. “It’s too smoky in here.”
On the bright side, though, not only is Hair Hitler coming to California to gaze uncomprehendingly upon the fire destruction, but the Feesh got a solid return on the trade that sent him to the Brooze, namely, Lewis “The Bust” Brinson, who hit for the second lowest average in ML history for a rookie with 600 at-bats or more, .199. His OPS, adjusted OPS and WAR fell somewhere between the Bermuda Triangle and the Twilight Zone, and his ten home runs was a round number.
Fan Interference 
How about that sweet new logo though?
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Who knew that the orange and black would become a collector’s item so soon?
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If he had stayed with the Marlins he would have had less protection in the lineup, less production and most of his remaining heroics would have been in the little noticed losing efforts of a last place team. Console yourself by knowing that he probably wouldn’t have won the MVP had not Jeter blessed him with an escape to Milwaukee.
And he still has that big snocker.
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