Uber Driver Kidnaps Lenny Dykstra, Takes Him to Police Station

No, I wasn’t just trying to get your attention. Our old pal, car wash magnate Lenny Dykstra, was indicted the other day for threatening to kill his Uber driver when the driver informed him that in order to change his destination from Linden, New Jersey to Staten Island he would first have to change it on his Uber app (which, in all fairness to our wayward latterday hero, is an acute pain in las nalgas – especially when you’re already higher than an orbital cable elevator, untethered). Nails also got nailed for possession of methamphetamine, cocaine and drug paraphernalia.

Space elevator:

Lenny Dykstra, mug shot:

Apparently when the driver told him he couldn’t change the dropoff point until Dykstra made the change, our boy held a plastic bag to the back of his head with a hard object in it he claimed was a gun (but which turned out to be a pipe) and said “If you don’t take me to Staten Island I will blow your fucking brains out.” Instead, the driver accelerated to very high speed, no doubt in the belief that even someone as nitrogenated and stupid as Dykstra wouldn’t shoot him at that speed and get himself killed as well, and pulled up in front of a police station instead, then jumped out of the car and ran inside. The cops came right out and arrested poor bewildered Lenny.

Lenny Dykstra’s lawyer, one Michael Brucki, rejected a plea deal and said Dykstra was maintaining his innocence. Brucki claims it was the Uber driver who kidnapped Dykstra.

Because kidnappers always rush their victims to a police station, I guess.

Police station:

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15 thoughts on “Uber Driver Kidnaps Lenny Dykstra, Takes Him to Police Station

    • What’s to figure? He’s like a little Trump who had no rich daddy. He was also on probation for his drug conviction from a few years back. Getting caught with coke and meth will probably send him back to finish that sentence no matter what becomes of this latest fiasco. And his lawyer turned down a plea deal. Guadalajara’s finest, no doubt.
      This guy was a hero of mine in the mid-1980s. He and Denny McLain ought to go out on the lecture circuit some day, like Timothy Leary and G. Gordon Liddy.

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      • When I was in the Phoenix area circa 2001, G Gordon Liddy was living in Scottsdale and had his own AM Radio talk show where he would answer questions from young callers (probably calling from keggers) like what sort of truck to buy. It seemed oddly appropriate.

        Per Dykstra it seems that some people are better off if they don’t have so much money that they can afford not to work and to also indulge their vices.

        Today is a heavy day on the Tony front. I appreciate the entertaining distraction.

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        • Dykstra was bankrupt fairly soon after leaving MLB. He invested in a car wash that went belly up and then he got slammed for bankruptcy fraud, so he didn’t have so much money for very long. He’s found ways to indulge his vices while impoverished, too.

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  1. Very sorry to see Lenny turn into what they would call a “chronic” on Dog the Bounty Hunter. Truth be told, addictive drugs may well be a worse problem in America than Trump’s policies. And thank you, MSM, for not disturbing us from our collective not-wanting-to-know about such unpleasantness. Now, where’d I put that ice pipe?

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    • As a recovering alcoholic I agree with the serious statement you make.

      But damn. Ain’t stoned people stupid? An thanks OG for the art accompanying your post. It’s a realistic police station and a beauty of an orbital elevator, but where’d you get the staggering fool to play the role of Lenny?

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      • I don’t know that people need to be stoned to make them stupid. Something went wrong beforehand to lead them into addiction. In Lenny’s case, he was getting himself in trouble while he was still more or less sober, and seems to have bottomed out completely after his dumbsquat experiments with spendthriftery, financial fraud and tax evasion undid his life as it had been.

        Sadly, that mug shot is all that’s left of a once terrific ballplayer who was exciting and thrilling to watch. Yes, he’s made a joke out of himself and a swamp fart of his life but what a waste.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. By the way, it seems the same Uber driver must have swung by and kidnapped Prof and Scouts too. FYI the Brooze clipped the Bums yesterday and hung on for a 1-0 NLCS lead. Clayton Kershaw reverted to his postseason implosive self and got smacked around for five runs in three innings by the O Tannenbaum Boys.

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  3. Sorry I didn’t get a post up today. Since no one had seen or heard from him since last Sunday, I filed a missing person report on my mentally ill son yesterday afternoon. I learned this morning that the Minneapolis police found him wandering around downtown Minneapolis wearing no coat (temperature = 30). He told them that he didn’t know how he was going to get home and that he had been “drinking and dancing”. They took him for psychiatric evaluation where he is now and will be until at least tomorrow morning. Unless he shows overt signs of becoming violent or harming himself and wants to leave there they will have no legal recourse except to let him leave. If that happens he will again be alone in the Minnesota cold not knowing how to get back to his home wherever that currently is, and if he has one. If that happens I’m hoping that he calls me demanding that I come and get him and take him to…somewhere. If I can’t reach him I hope he beats the fuck out of me so that he can be forced to accept treatment.

    If none of this happens or all is well you can expect a Bits and Pieces Better Late Than Never Weekend Edition.

    Let’s enjoy the games. Brew Crew up by Two in number Two!!!

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      • I think he’s probably staying somewhere although you might not be able to call wherever that is a home. He has a good working car, but he probably parked it somewhere in downtown Minneapolis and can’t remember where it is, in which case it will inevitably be towed to the city impound lot when it’s observed sitting on an expired meter or having been in a parking garage for more than 24 hours.

        The cops did the exactly the right thing by taking him to the psych ward and I am grateful to them.

        Liked by 1 person

    • Good luck! If need be just post a “here’s your Weekend Edition” and our intrepid selves will add commentary. Ignore any trolls.

      Obviously real life has to take precedence over this little chat shack.

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