Prof: It was weird baseball last night. Scout will give you the scoop on most of it. Take it away, sir.
Orioles 4, Blue Jays 5 F/10 – Scouts: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Orioles SUUUUUUCK! Brad Brach choked like a choking choker and gave up 3 runs on 3 hits with 2 walks while getting 1 out in the 9th. Way to improve your trade value dude. Chris Davis is now batting .152 after three more fucking strikeouts and is on pace for the worst offensive season of all time by any player EVER.
Tigers 7, Red Sox 2 – Scouts: Detroit picked up 5 in the first off some guy named Jalen Beeks whom I’ve never heard of before. Looks like it was his major league debut. I’d feel bad for him, but well, he plays for Boston, so that tempers my empathy.
Mariners 5, Rays 4 – Scouts: Mike Leake pitched into the 9th, holding the Rays to 2 runs on 8 hits and it almost wasn’t enough. Alex Colome came in and almost immediately blew it giving up 2 runs on 3 hits, but completing the game. Sounds like somebody who suddenly finds themselves atop their division could be interested in some bullpen help.
Astros 5, Rangers 2 – Scouts: Evan Gattis destroyed Cole Hamels soul with a 3 RBI performance that featured his 10th homer of the season.
Royals 1, Athletics 4 – Scouts: The offensive woes continue for Kansas City, who were held to 3 hits over 6 innings by Paul Blackburn.
Rockies 5, Reds 7 F/13 – Prof: Weird baseball – Jesse Winker came off the bench and ended up going 3-3 and hit a walk-off home run in the 13th inning. I guess this is a thing that hasn’t happened in nearly a half century, if I’m reading Elias correctly. That’s wild as heck. This extended inning weirdness kept Cincinnati from being swept by the Rox.
Dodgers 8, Pirates 7 – Scouts: The Dodgers have won 15 of their last 20 and no longer look like a sad sack franchise doomed to a 1 and done season. Pittsburgh attempted a comeback with 3 i the 8th and 1 in the 9th, but fell just short.
White Sox 2, Twins 7 – Scouts: Hey look at that, Minnesota won a game against a terrible team they should easily defeat! Good job! Jose Berrios threw a complete game, and Eduardo Escobar and Eddie Rosario stayed hot at the plate.
Marlins 1, Cardinals 4 – Prof: Not much to discuss, really. The Marlins turned back into a pumpkin even though the Big Buckin’ Chicken wore his glass cleat and hit a double to deep center. The Cardinals were the Cardinals again, with a local rookie, Luke Voit, hitting a late inning homer to boot.
Phillies 3, Cubs 4 – Prof: More weird baseball, brought to you by Chicago. Brian Duensing, a pitcher who has spent the majority of his career in the American League, was walked…and then scored in the fifth inning. His first ever base path stroll. Ever! I’d like to think it was Duensing’s run that did the trick, although it was really Anthony Rizzo who hit the game winner.
Fan Interference 
As soon as we got outside today Ivan retrieved the bat and ball (a genuine Spider Man one), brought me the ball, and instructed me – “play baseball”. Maybe he heard about me bragging yesterday that he wouldn’t be able to catch up with my four seamer. Whatch you know he did catch up to it, but he couldn’t barrel up any of them. I expect he’ll find his stroke as the season wears on.
Ah it’s Friday and I get to sleep in tomorrow.
I get to play a kids game for a living.
And to top it all off, tonight we feast on the flesh of angels.
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I suggest you try my morel mushroom sauce on angel flesh (which is always best poached in sacramental wine with a shot of Tabasco sauce), and when at your local cannibalist sacristy be sure to purchase fallen angel, since it will already be tenderized. Otherwise, you have to go through the cheesecloth-and-mallet routine.
As far as the Feesh, aaand things return to normal. The Cardinals righted their ship – which had begun to resemble the Lucky Dragon Five – and Lewis Brinson got his collar back from the laundry, going his usual 0-4.The Feesh lose number 40, return to 18 south of even, and all seems right with the world again. The best news, of course, is with the Padres coming to town you can drive through the I-95 / SR 826 interchange this weekend without worrying that traffic will be any worse than normal.
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As angels are no doubt sweet tasting, I was thinking maybe a sweet – sour approach, or possibly a BBQ sauce with a big vinegar back bite and cayenne fire to offset the holy glow. Can angels be carmalized? Hopefully the Twins will find out tonight.
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I’m surprised no mention has yet been made of the Cole/Hamels game. So I will, of course. You see, Cole started for the ‘Stros and—wait—he started for the Rangers too! What the hay? As it turned out, Cole got the win and Cole took the loss, so at least the Universe seemed to be in balance. For awhile, anyway, until a little farther west someone named Hammel got another loss on the same day. Two Hammels? Or two Hamels? Or two Coles? My vision’s gettin’ blurry, I’m goin’ back to bed right now.
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A mathematician would posit that the Coles would cancel each other out leaving you with one pitcher named Gerrit Hamels.
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Gerrit Hamels sounds like he pitches for Baylor.
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I’m sick and didn’t even enjoy the BoSox announcers pouting.
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