I’ve made an editorial decision keeping in line with my longstanding practice of trying not to call the team from the Magical Land of Cleve anything other than the Magical Team from Cleve, but sometimes that’s just too heckin’ long. Since my co-writer has decided to no longer use the term “Indians” I have decided that I will begin calling them the SPIDERS when writing the wrap-ups. As in Your Team Here 1, Spiders 5. I don’t have a problem so much with the team name, but with the logo. And before anyone says “Well, Prof, you’re a fan of the Braves” I want to mention that I don’t particularly like the Tomahawk Chop and I hate the Screaming Brave, and it brings me great shame when these are used. However, unlike Chief Wahoo, the Screaming Brave isn’t generally used on the every day uniform of the team. If the Screaming Brave were on the hats they wore all the ding dang time, I might call them some other name. Anyway, The Cleveland Spiders, get used to it.
Orioles 2, Tigers 4 – Francisco Liriano rises from the ashes like the crust of an overbaked Little Caesar’s pizza. Once again, the usual suspects for the Orioles were the only ones who actually got stuff done. Adam Jones, Trey Mancini, and (an attempt by) Manny Machado. Can’t add Dylan Bundy to the list as it was his night off. Otherwise, the stinking hulk of a rusted out wreck masquerading as a baseball team in Baltimore once again wasted a good opportunity to win a close game. Historio’s boys get a much needed W, capitalizing on a wild pitch by reliever Mychal Givens to score Victor Reyes.
Marlins 9, Yankees 1 – Well, well. Brian Anderson and Cameron Maybin are back in action, and….who’s this? J.T. Realmuto? He’s back, baby! He’s here to mash taters and chew bubble gum, and he’s out of bubble gum. The Yankees are wildly inconsistent, with Tanaka getting rocked and Didi Gregorius allowing a throwing error to score two runs in the first inning. New York had no answer for the Feesh until a sad solo homer in the ninth inning. Once again, Giancarlo Stanton got a big ol’ goose egg.
Rockies 2, Pirates 0 – It’s fun to see two teams with winning records try to battle it out. Chad Bettis, last year’s feel good story, continues to make Rox fans feel great with a shutout seven and 1/3 innings.
Royals 3, Blue Jays 11 (Game 1), Royals 4, Blue Jays 5 F/10 (Game 2) – Let’s Play Two! Game one featured a beat down of those BBQ Boys. Yangervis Solarte (try to spell that without help, I dare you) and Randal Grichuk, known as Dansby Swanson/Charlie Culberson Prime among Braves fans, both hit homers. Lucas Duda and Mike Moustakas also hit home runs for Kansas City in the loss. Now, in game two…
They just couldn’t get enough baseball in, so it went long. Basically the same folks who accomplished stuff in game one did it again. It started out wild, with Lucas Duda getting hit by a pitch which walked in a run. Abraham Almonte and Alcidea Escobar hit homers in a losing effort.
Spiders 6, Twins 1 (in beautiful, sunny San Juan!) – The Magical Land of Cleve and the Boys from the Twin Cities both vacated the premises and high-tailed it over to our beautiful, vibrant, and in desperate need of help American territory, Puerto Rico. This score looks pretty lopsided, but it could’ve been much, much worse, as the Spiders from Cleve had twelve hits in total. It was Homer-a-palooza, with Lindor, Ramirez, Brantley, and Alonso bringing the heavy lumber. Corey Kluber went 6 and 2/3, with two walks and six strikeouts. Pretty good night for him; as the only run from the Twins was a double by Brian Dozier that drove in the young Deutsch prince, Max Kepler.
Cardinals 5, Cubs 3 – Waino is back and he’s still dealing. The only Cardinal I don’t actively hate, the big ace battled the super cold temps at Wrigley and Tyler Chatwood to get the W. On offense, Matt Carpenter doubled, singled, and drove in three runs.
Giants 0, Dbacks 1 – Gritty Snakes are now 12-4. Now, excuse me while I get hype. PATRICK CORBIN!!!!!! That’s really all I have to say.
Nationals 5, Mets 2 – Did you know that Gio Gonzalez, the pitcher of record in last night’s game, is 11-1 at Citi Field? That’s wild. The Treat Urner went 3-4.
White Sox 2, Athletics 10 – A five run first inning was bad enough but Oakland wasn’t done. Three more in the fourth and two in the seventh to absolutely humiliate the junior team from the Chi. Eeeeeeeeeverybody got in on this, too; Jed Lowrie homered, Stephen Piscotty doubled and hit a sac fly, Jon Lucroy hit single after single, Mark Canha (who?) went 3-4. A solid outing from Trevor Cahill capped the victory.
Reds 0, Brewers 2 – A day after getting their butts handed to them, the Brew Crew licked their wounds and came back to shut out Cincinnati. It helped that Eric Thames returned from the disabled list, as the first baseman hit a dinger in the sixth inning, bringing home himself and Lorenzo Cain for the game’s only runs.
Astros 4, Mariners 1 – Lance McCullers went seven and struck out eleven. Brian McCann hit his first dinger of the year. And the littlest second baseman who could played in his 1,000th Major League game. All in all it was a pretty rockin’ day for Houston.
Phillies 5, Braves 1 F/10 – Ughhhhhhhhhhhh, Barve so hard. Well, no, that’s not fair to the entire team. I mean, Ender and Dansby were lava hot, Preston Tucker is playing his guts out, and Mike Foltynewicz went six innings and only gave up one run, so this isn’t on any of them. It’s just that in the tenth inning Rhys Hoskins and Maikel Franco couldn’t be stopped from hitting doubles and bringing runs in.
Red Sox 10, Angels 1 – So, um…. Mookie Betts is good. Did y’all know that? Betts hit three homers in last night’s game and was walked a few times as well. Rafael Devers, Brock Holt, and Jackie Bradley, Jr. also smacked the long ball in this impressive outing. For the Angels, Ohtani left in the second inning, mostly because he ended up having an insane number of pitches and gave up three runs. Oh, and he developed a blister, too, so that’s a thing. Albert Pujols got ticked off at something and was kicked out of the game. It was just an ugly night for Los Angeles…
Dodgers 7, Padres 3 F/12 – …but it ended with a Win for the Dodgers, no thanks to a blown save by Kenley Jansen. Two two-run doubles in the twelfth put LA on top.
Rangers 7, Rays 2 – Matt Moore had a chip on his shoulder. Maybe not so much now that he crushed his former team with a seven inning outing that allowed only one unearned run and six strikeouts to boot. Sac flies everywhere, but it did the job as they brought in three of the runs needed for Texas to defeat Tampa.