Usually I like to post one master post of new, fun concessions coming soon to a ballpark near you, but this year – much like the free agent market – food news is slow going. I haven’t seen much being discussed – not even the Magical Land of Cleve, the Brewers, or the Twins, who usually tweet a lot about new food options at their stadiums. In fact, the only team I’ve really noticed announcing anything new is the Arizona Diamondbacks:
Some of these look pretty dang good, honestly. I’m particularly interested in the fried chicken bahn mi.
Come on, teams. Get your collective butts in gear! I want to discuss the glories and gores of your new offerings! I guess we can just talk about “new” concessions of yore – remember the Slider Dog in Cleveland? With the Froot Loops? The pizza hamburger mess from the last year of Turner Field? The crickets at Safeco? The nachos on a stick at Miller Field (which I’ve had and they are fantastic!). Have any of y’all tried any of the wild food offerings at ballparks? Were they any good?
Fan Interference 
Your timing is immpecable. You have made me hungry for my ritual bed time snack, precisely two nuked up white castle cheese burgers slathered with a mayonnaise horseradish sauce and jalopenoes peppers accompanied by a couple of generous handfuls of sour cream and onion potato chips. I need to partake of this early so that I have the morning strength to welcome to welcome a couple of early morning young visitors.
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Happy, you know what? I gotta tell you! Whitecastle, is neither castle, nor white.
The food is garbage.
You’re not happy.
You may not be a fan.
And, fucking really, the twins?
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After reading that, I meant that as trying to be funny. I failed, please forgive me.
Fuckit, I may as well work for Russia too.
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No need to apologize.
You’re right. I am not really happy. I’m a frail old man who last night (after too much drinking) fell face fucking first into a snow bank. I had to fight like hell to get into my house but I made it.
of course white castle is shit. that’s sort of the point. I mess with it and eat it because that’s where I live. so yeah I really am a fan – kind of.
abput every month or three you come here and rain down on us a heartfelt pile of words which we do appreciate and then go poof. if that’s the best you can do fine please continue but know that I want to know on a daily or semi daily basis who do you love and why do you love them. that’s what i’m trying to do. but I am vain I calculate every word, every comma. you don’t.
see you tomorrow?
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Have you ever counted my commas? I love you peeps, I am working to get my writing sold so I can come back in 1 to 3 months and monetize the whole adventure . Obviously, it will be about me, my massive penis, my opinions, and my beliefs. Otherwise, you are all free to write about the above without any interference from me, but the guidelines are kinda set. Lol
You aren’t old and I like your writing style. Cheers my friend.
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Well that absolutely ought to be enough to make anyone fall asleep. Perhaps permanently.
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Hi Prof. I don’t know about you, but I am thinking ,let the hottest MLB kitchen, with the weakest state regulations in food safety, do mayonnaise sauces and regulate food temperature for a variety of meat?
For 30 k people? For 4 hours? If no one dies by August, I will not only buy you a ticket for an august game, I will let you pick your poison.
Small print and legalese.
Offer valid for you. Flights, hotels, etc? On you my friend. I will pay for a ticket and the microbe experiment that you desire. Give me 1 month heads up, and the crisp hundred dollars is yours.
I figured 50 bucks for a decent ticket, cab fair and 10 to 20 bucks for the food.
The lifetime of follow up medical procedures?
Fucking priceless! Haha
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Slappy, just because the food looks good doesn’t mean I’ll eat it. I’ve not got a death wish, man.
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One should ALWAYS have a death wish. I want to die before the people that I love most and have a better chance of ma
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Fucking fuck my fucking life. I was trying to create a fucking good quote, and I hit post.
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king the world a better place then I know how. Right now, I am powerless and angry.
Tomorrow I will be the same, only more fucking focused, and even more fucking angry. Then, I will have the power I need /want to have.
Apropos of nothing, even though I have been in rock bands my whole life, I can safely say that I neverly took anyone for granted .
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Not me. I want to outlive everyone I love most and have fond memories of them while I build a new social circle.
Speaking elliptically of which, I began to construct a new social circle in one of my terrariums yesterday. The giant ameiva or gandoli is a non-native lizard from South America which was introduced into Macondo by the pet trade and has established a flourishing population here over the last several decades. They’re fast as hell and I have never been able to catch one – until yesterday. I walked into my local Ace Hardware store and found the checkout girls practically standing on their chairs because a tiny, probably newly hatched, gandoli was running around on the floor. Because it couldn’t get any traction on the tiles I was able to catch this one, bring it home and set it up in a terrarium otherwise reserved for baby forest tortoises. I tossed in a few pinhead crickets and he pounced, eating all but one within a few minutes. Then he hid, doubtless until he gets hungry again. Here’s what they look like:
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You are keeping a moron in suspension. I see no pics.
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I vote with Gator. I will outlive my family and friends and meet him in a bar in Macondo to toast old times and old loves.
BTW, White Castle burgers are difficult to obtain in this part of the world, so I regard them as a sort of a minor delicacy. One of my guilty joys of long car trips up east is a sack full of those little buggers on an overnight drive.
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I’m still not ready for the poutine fries at Comerica (but I’d eat 50 of those before I’d have Trump steaks). I haven’t seen anything about it, but I’m sure the Polish food options are plenty and perfection. Pierogies? Yes, please.
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I’ve had poutine at an actual gastropub and it was mind blowing and heart clogging but worth the impending death tbh.
I worry about the quality of gravy at a ballpark, but it’s close enough to Canada that I think the poutine might be ok. #WisconsinCheeseCurdsPlease
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If you’re eating poutine south of Quebec you’re taking your life in your hands, and the taste of sub-Quebecois poutine ain’t worth it.
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What about Wisconsin, Canada Junior?
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Some parts of Wisconsin are north of some parts of Quebec, so I think you are safe, Prof.
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Maybe not Madison, which was where I had the poutine.
I don’t miss living there, really, but I do find myself missing being able to watch Badger games whenever, quality cheese for bargain prices (saw the same cheese I used to buy at my local gas station at the Whole Foods near DC and they were charging $12 more per pound), and super fresh ice cream.
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We indulged in poutine a while back when we were in Montreal. I was trying out my French and got corrected (Pu-ten). I was afraid to say it that way. It sounded like I was calling my appetizer “a whore”. But I got used to my French being corrected in Montreal. I actually think they are more polite in Paris than they are there.
Back on topic. I was not warmed that much by Canadian poutine. I probably should have done the smoked meat instead, but it was my first trip. Who knew? But the wife loved the stuff. Now I see one of the new trends in Southern restaurants is to do regional “poutines” with stuff like sausage gravy, cheddar cheese, chicken livers or stuff like that.
Thank you, no.
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Just stick with the regular. If I want fancy pants poutine I’ll go eat at Chuck Hughes’ restaurant in Montreal.
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Badgers?
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Whatever, SPARTY. 😂
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The new concessions that would make the most sense at Comerica this season are an antacid booth and a couple medicinal herb dispensaries to help us get through the coming wretched seasons of rebuilding.
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Barf bags! Getcher Tigers barf bags here!
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Oh just use the bag over your head. Just be careful not to do things in the wrong order.
Let me give you a chance to practice your hide my face / barf bag operational protocol. Sanchez sucked the other day but Rodney done good.
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Now, for Boston’s cuisine? We’re offering up a beautiful, lovely take on the superbowl loss.
Interior, Sully from Dorchester calling into weei, today, fucking March 6th, probably from his aunts basement because his mother threw him out, and after all, him and his aunt have a kid together.
Sully; Yo, Michael Holley, man, I love you the best cause you the realest black dude I respect! Plus, you like hockey! For reals? I had no idea they played hockey in Puerto Rico. Anyways, long time listener, and you guys let me talk every week.
Talking Heads, ( Doesn’t matter which ones ); Always good to hear from our fans. What’s on your mind Sully?
Immediately aural chaos, because even though, fucking Sully calls in every week, and has been on hold 4 hours before the show starts, he still needs to be reminded of this simple fact. FML!
Sully; Ya know why we lost the super bowl? Cuz Tawm facking Brady has a hag of a wife! Theyah, I put out what we’s all been thinkun! I mean, I haven’t rubbed one out for her since like 2009, like, I rubbed 2 out for Tawm today!
Weei talking heads; ONLY 2? How many for Bellicheat? At LEAST 3, RIGHT?
Sully; No. You’re getting me wrong heah. I rub one out for Bellicheat when I get up in the morning. My aunt and I are trying to have a kid with 3 hands and 2 feet. That way, he can play dueling banjos by hiself! Anyways, I think the problem is that foreign exchange bitch, who’s kinda facking stealing owah Tawm, and, if we gots to deport his wife and kids so we can win a facking bowl game? So be it.
Weei talking heads?
Head 1; I agree completely, maybe, not just deport them, maybe, kill them? I guess he’s going to be focused then!
Head 2; C’mon man, you’re talking fucking murder here? Really?
Exterior, Head 2 is arrested for saying something that is divided the country and as such, is gone.
Head 3; I need all my loyal listener’s to help me monetize my brand so we can all agree that malcom Butler is the devil. Malcom Butler not only cost us a parade, he made poor 99 year old Graham die!
Head 4 to 17; Unintelligible shouting.
Sully; So, We all agree that Tawmme is a fag ?
End scene
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Well, that was…..something else again. Or, in the words of Monty Python’s Flying Circus, “and now for something completely different.”
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Sorry / Not Sorry. I love all the great writing on this page and wanted to add my own.
You’re free to tell me how I piss you off and I am free to have you arrested for treason if you don’t agree with me 100 percent.
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Also feel free to ask me my twitter. You fucking morons will NEVER figure it out.
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Apropos of nothing, I never bullied, stalked, threatened, beat a child or woman, in the last hour. 36 hours from now, in Florida, the usual suspects will be ready to do what I can’t!
Afraid now?
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To be honest? ;the best thing is that the whole thread is about my gigantic penis!
Said a Trump cabinet pick, fucking somehow, fucking somewhere! And his wife still doesn’t puke in his face.
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Will Slappy get banned? No, should he be? Fucking probably.
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No way you get banned. A slappy blowup is just the sort of thing I’ve been tossing around matches here hoping for.
Keep wearing your heart on your sleeve. That’s where it belongs.
Heading in to cop me my sliders.
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Not on my watch. Every blog worth a damn needs an unhinged troll type with a secret heart of gold and you, friend, are that troll. Lol luv u
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Children are horrible.
I have not eaten Macondo Banana Massacre Field food even once since the place opened. I would always buy pinchos, arepas and sausages from the independent carts across 14th Avenue from the stadium. Cheaper, tastier, and the money went to guys working hard in the hot sun to feed their families instead of into the pockets of some Cocoplum mansion concessionaires, not even to mention Scroog McLoria’s cut.
I do confess to buying bottled water, but then wised up and would suck the air out of those soft plastic water bottles, crumpling them flat so I could sneak them into the stadium in my pocket. Once inside, I blew them up again and filled them with water from the water fountains. Sorry scrooge, you didn’t make an extra buck on me.
And you can be damned sure I won’t be spending any money at Macondo Banana Massacre Field this season or any season Beep Beep owns the franchise.
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Agree whole heartedly.
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Three little treats from Minute Maid.
1. The Restaurant in Center Field has a Korean sandwich with pork belly that probably has the health effects of a five-pack-a-day cigarette habit.
2. A waffle cone stuffed with fried chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy. I have yet to see anyone eat that in the fan seats. Don’t think I want to.
3. A new chain originated in Austin called Torchy’s Tacos. They are tacos with a bit of the “keep Austin weird” attitude and strange names like “Trailer Park”, “Republican”, “Tipsy Chick” or “Mr. Pink.” I actually find most of their offerings sort of middle of the road. A couple of exceptions:
a. A Chips and Queso with chile queso that all us native born Texans agree is the best ever. And we are a tough crowd for queso.
b. The “Brushfire” – a taco with jerked chicken, grilled jalapenos, mango, and habanero salsa. Let those untrained in the art of high Scoville-rated peppers beware. But that is a wickedly good taco. Get it with the corn tortilla.
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The waffle cone is what throws me off here. What’s wrong with a helmet?
I’ve heard of Torchy’s, actually.
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Well, should you ever be in a place to try them, don’t miss the queso. It really is a treat.
The problem with a helmet is that nobody wants to eat it. 🙂
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Queso is life, stex.
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Steak and ale tots. ‘Nuff said. But wait there’s more! Kilt lifted cheese sauce! A Scotsman farts after eating cheese? WTF?
I’d rather not risk my health (already spotty) my sanity (questionable) and my only spotless shirt at the ballpark. You won’t see me at that stadium.
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I’ve eaten a great many meals at Miller Park and they have been surprisingly good. Again, the Nachos on a Stick was tasty AF and actually worth the novelty.
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Prof, more food posts obv the ticket. I now want some garlic fries real bad.
But the stuff in the pix looks nauseating.
I mean, I guess it’s all carnival food when you get down to it anyway.
Slappy, nice to see you around! Has the piano been drinking?
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Compared to what is unleashed upon the public most years this is positively gourmet. I’ll never forget The Slider Dog.
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Also I am eagerly awaiting the Brewers, Rangers, and Land of Cleve offerings because they are always unusual. The Twins’ foods are fun, too.
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If they come up with lutefisk on a stick, I’m moving.
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So much discussion of fried fatty things makes me want to chime in with a cautionary note. I recently read that the traditional, and still popular, favorite frying fat for frites in Belgium and the Netherlands is actually horse fat. Don’t say you’ve not been warned.
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Oh no. Really? Welp. I guess it’s waffles only for me if I’m in Belgium.
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Wait, horse fat AND mayonnaise? mmmm
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Yup. Double doses of dripping drizzles for your arteries.
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