May Derek Jeter’s Eyeballs Burst in Hell

News of the Iron Giant’s trade to the Borg burst like a pair of eyeballs in Hell this morning. On one hand, there’s a certain bleak poetry in seeing him in pinstripes. Judge and the Giant back to back. B-r-r-r-r-r. I hope the rest of the trainers in the designatedhitterball league plan to keep a supply of butterfly-fold Depends handy for their pitching staphs.

On the other, you can almost bet the Feesh are going to chalk up the lowest attendance in MLB this season. Jeter’s “honeymoon” with the Macondo fans has been the shortest since Ernest Borgnine and Ethel Merman:

Yes. Horrible.

As of this writing the Feesh seem destined to receive big payroll relief, Starlin Castro (who they will almost certainly turn around and dump at the Weenter Meetings or shortly thereafter), a few EYPs (Exciting Young Prospects, if you couldn’t remember), and a bequest of hometown market bile like a blue whale’s spleen had ruptured.

I would and will say more but at the moment I am in Cincinnati, enduring that unnatural meteorological aberration known as Weenter, because it’s time for Over the Rhine’s annual Christmas concert series, this year at the recently refurbished Memorial Hall. Last night’s show filled me with enough musical bonhomie so that the impact of this morning’s vile news was mitigated somewhat. In fact Linford got the biggest laughs – and applause – of the evening when he opened the show by announcing he and Karin were there to “make Christmas great again.”

This morning I sat at the checkerboard-topped barrel table beside the fireplace at the Cracker Barrel (one of my many guilty pleasures) across the street from my hotel in Florence, Kentucky near the airport recalling Robert Service’s poem “The Cremation of Sam McGee,” unwittingly recycling the seminal images which would give my post its title when I got back to my room and read the news.

And the Dodgers? Yes, the Bums  blue it again. Bigtime.

I will have more to say tomorrow after I get home. I have one more glorious concert featuring Karin and Linford tonight to help mollify the monsters from my Id and I might, I say I say I say might,  be more rational when I step orf my flight at Macondo International Aerodrome tomorrow.

It’s going to snow this afternoon. Blauuuggggghhhhhh. So just to leave off on a happier note, here’s an image of the wonderful Karin Bergquist in performance:



28 thoughts on “May Derek Jeter’s Eyeballs Burst in Hell

  1. It’s a shame of current management priorities in MLB, introduced and perpetuated by the NYY, that the ONLY goal worthy is winning, today, and tomorrow be dammed. This story was written by your former owner when he offered that contract with all the mega dollars in the back end.
    The Angels have a chance to have their first legitimate start to finish HOF career player and the temptation is high to trade for a bunch of prospects or pretty goods. After more than half a century the Angels have exactly 0, that’s zip, start to finish career HOF players. I hope we have one now. I wish you could have kept yours.

    Liked by 4 people

    • I hope that your team treats Mike Trout right. And with the Ohtani signing I think that maybe, maybe…. maybe they are trying to right the ship.

      Now if you guys can stop picking up old Braves players that would be great. It looks like Atlanta West out there 😛

      Liked by 1 person

    • Don’t feel too bad. The only start to finish hall of famer I can think of for the Twins is Kirby, and even that was an injury shortened career. They didn’t even keep Killebrew to the end in the pre free agent market days.

      I wish that the Twins had gotten Ohtani, but see that they got a good looking outfield prospect from you guys in exchange for international bonus pool money making it possible for your boys to snag Ohtani. Looks like both our teams came away with some value. Hopefully your boys and my boys will see each other in the playoffs.

      And I suspect your current weather is slightly better than the weather here.


    • Well, I don’t think I’m done with baseball per se but Jeter, Sherman and Hill can station themselves beneath a falling piano for all I care. I’ll just stop treating the Feesh as an object of special interest and go back to writing mainly about the history and choreography of the game. No point cutting orf my trunk to spite my tusks.


      • Perhaps you could adopt the Padres? San Diego’s far away and all, but there’s some ever-lingering dysfunction and dysappointment there. Of course, being that it’s SD there’s little to no drama (except when the Blue Angels fly back and forth), but ya gotta admit the weather’s nice.


        • And when the whales go back and forth. I especially love it when they come up right under your fishing charter and empty their blowholes in your face.

          Liked by 1 person

  2. Sorry to see that statement, scouts. Stick around. Your passionate expressions re: society and news are part of the atmosphere here.
    And I forgot to ask, Mr. Gator, but how is Anne Francis? Still wondering what a bathing suit is, I hope?


    • I don’t mean I’m done with baseball as I won’t follow and write about it and I totally give up but I’m going to care a lot less about it than I did before. I watched for 13 years or whatever as my team got their asses handed to them by the same teams that live by different rules than the rest of us and watching this trade being tailor made for the Yankees by one of their own just teams of collusion. They gave up nothing and picked up the best player in the NL. It’s insane. There is no competition and there is no point in caring if you aren’t one of the very few that can buy your way into a ring. It’s so damn frustrating when my team can’t even retain their own stars let alone cherry pick from the rest of the league whenever we damn well feel like it. It’s nothing but a big damn joke.


  3. Having got that off my chest, it will be interesting to see how Stanton adjusts to playing under the NY microscope as opposed to playing for a team that hasn’t finished over .500 in his career and averaged around 21,000 per game. If he slumps or has more injury issues will the fans get on him? Will he produce in the playoffs or will he collapse like ARod often did? To steal my sister in law’s favorite phrase, “Shit just got real”.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m with you on every single sentiment here, OG, including the musical ones. Listened to “Snow Angels” and “Darkest Night” this afternoon. No one does Christmas music like Over the Rhine.


    • Yeah, their stuff isn’t suited for elevators, is it? They performed songs from both albums tonight, opening with “Blood Oranges” and they also did “Snow Angels” and “All I Get for Christmas is Blue.” Heartbreakingly gorgeous renditions all. They also did a beautiful version of Merle Haggard’s “If We Make it through December.” Oh boy. Ever heard them live? If not, top your bucket list with them.


      • I’ve heard them do that Merle song, too – a classic. I’ve seen them maybe 10 times, going all the way back to Good Dog Bad Dog days. They’ve been the soundtrack my wife’s and my adult lives. 7 years ago we went to see them in a snowy night in Annapolis. Only about twenty people showed up, and Karin was laid out with a sore throat, but after announcing there would be a makeup show, Linford proceeded to “sing” and lead us in singalongs and play a bunch of Vince Guaraldi. It was great fun.


  5. Hey gang! I’m from the Mediterranean, having made it through Jerusalem three days before our beloved Orangefuhrer decided to light a wick on the region. Finished with three days in Rome, which I confess I could spend a month in without blinking.

    I see the Yankees have decided to bit of a scare into the Sox/Tro’s/Indians triarchy. I think a stud pitcher was more appropriate, but I must admit that will be a mildly alarming lineup.

    Oh well, you haven’t won anything until you actually play.. We will see.

    And commiserations, OG. The people of Miami deserve better.

    Liked by 3 people

  6. It’s early, Gator, but do you see any signs of a long-term plan behind the current tear down beyond dumping salary? For instance, have there been hirings of front office people who know their asses from third base? I’m sure it’s happened before, probably happened multiple times in Miami, but shedding quality players (besides Stanton) just entering their prime years seems like out-of-the-box thinking.


    • You mean a “plan” other than helping Sherman and Jeter handle debt service for a team for which they overpaid and can’t afford to run?
      I’ll have more to say in my next post within the coming few days. Bring your asbestos goggles to read it.


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