Prof: Fam, I thought I’d do something a little different today and post some of my favorite not-song songs. I love parody songs and things like this, because they make me laugh. I don’t know how often I reference these things. There are others that I love just as much, if not more, but I just posted some that I think everyone would enjoy. It’s been a while since we’ve had a good laugh, right? So let’s do that today.
Rays 1, Yankees 6 – Prof: New York had three homers in the sixth inning, and Luis Severino had a nice little six inning outing to help the Yankees fly past Tampa Bay.
Nationals 5, Phillies 7 – Prof: The Nats lost to those purveyors of Velveeta and horsemeat (copyright 2017 Old Gator Wordsmith Conglomerate Federated Limited, used with permission), but it doesn’t really matter. Washington was probably just resting up a little to meet with Chicago in the first round of the NLDS. Bryce Harper did get some knocks in, though, so that’s good for the Nationals, as he will be sorely needed as close to 100% as he can be to defeat a very strong Cubs team.
Blue Jays 7, Red Sox 10 – Scouts: Boston must have really wanted this win, when they had David Price come out of the bullpen in the 6th inning to get 4 outs. Rick Porcello technically got the win, but really didn’t deserve one, giving up 7 hits and 5 runs over 5.2 innings. Hanley Ramirez, Xander Bogaerts, and Mitch Moreland all went deep for the Sox.
Twins 2, Indians 4 – Prof: The Magical Land of Cleve only prolonged the inevitable. Since they always win, let’s talk about the real story. Congrats, Happy! Your Twins are the first team in history to go from over 100 losses to the playoffs in a year’s time! This is amazing! Maybe it’s the purple power of Prince shining down upon them, blessing them. I don’t know why, but I totally have this in my head now. And so I’m going to make you guys listen to it, too.
EPIC WINNING. WE’RE GONNA WIN EVERYWHERE. WIN WIN EVERYWHERE.
Braves 1, Mets 7 – Prof: Boy oh boy, these teams stink. They take turns being embarrassing. Last night Atlanta decided to play the fool, getting only one run off an Ozzie Albies single. Rookie pitcher Sean Newcomb gets the loss, but it’s semantics, because the Mets scored four more runs well after Newk left the game. Hi, Jim Johnson.
Angels 4, White Sox 6 F/10 – Scouts: This must be one of the most painful walk-off home runs of the season. Nicky Delmonico blasted a two-run homer in the 10th which eliminated the Angels from post-season possibilities and clinched the berth for the Twins.
Reds 6, Brewers 0 – Prof: No, Brewers, you’re supposed to WIN these games against Cincinnati, not get shut out! I mean, yes the Cardinals lost, but they lost to the Cubs, so that doesn’t help you at all! It started out with a Joey Votto solo homer in the first inning, then it all went bonkers in the third, when Tucker Barnhart (who sounds like a trust fund baby, doesn’t he?) began the inning with a solo bomb, then singles times three and a sac fly finished the scoring bonanza.
Tigers 4, Royals 7 – Scouts: Detroit squandered a 3-0 lead giving up 7 unanswered runs, until the 9th when it was too little too late. The story here hasn’t changed as the Tigers had good starting pitching, but the bullpen just couldn’t hold the door.
Astros 12, Rangers 2 – Prof: Jose Altuve did something really cool last night. The Little Second Baseman Who Could now has 200 hits for the fourth consecutive season, putting him in an elite group. George Springer gave us a dinger, and Justin Verlander fanned eleven.
Marlins 9, Rockies 15 – Prof: Wow, this was a hit-a-palooza. I looked at this box score several times because it looked so crazy. It started out insanely for Colorado, scoring six in the second inning. Then the Marlins attempted to come back, scoring three in the fourth. The Rockies went all “WE MUST PROTECT THIS HOUSE!” immediately, scoring two more in the fourth and going on another tear in the sixth inning. A little back and forth in the eighth before the Feesh came roaring back in the ninth, but not nearly enough. It would take way too long for me to spell out everyone and everything that happened except that there were doubles galore and only two homers, both from the people you wouldn’t expect it from. DAMN. DAMN. DAAAAAAMMMMMN.
Cubs 5, Cardinals 1 – Prof: The Cubs have clinched the NL Central championship! Chicago have now won back to back division titles for the first time since 2007-2008, those long ago days of guys like Kerry Wood et al. Addison Russell hit a three run homer in the seventh inning to push the dagger in.
Orioles 3, Pirates 5 – Scouts: Trey Mancini and Chance Sisco continue to provide some hope for the future for the Birds, but once again the starting pitching needs serious work. Josh Bell and Gregory Polanco went deep for the Pirates as they completed the two game sweep.
Mariners 5, Athletics 6 – Scouts: Mark Canha with the walk-off homer for the A’s!
Giants 3, Diamondbacks 4 – Scouts: Oh boy. The giants had this one in the bag, holding a 3-1 lead in the 9th, but then things went, well about the way you’d expect for the team with the worst record in baseball. J.D. Martinez started it off with his 45th home run, and David Peralta managed to draw a bases loaded walk capping the game for Arizona.
Padres 0, Dodgers 10 – Prof: Another butt kicking, brought to us by the whole dang Dodger squad. It started out a bit slow, with sac flies, fielder’s choices, and singles. Then in the fifth inning, they decided to stop toying with San Diego and just straight up murder them. Puig Your Friend, the Grandyman, and Corey Seager all hit homers.