A telephone meeting of hyperpineal brahmins today confirmed the sale of the Feesh to Derek Jeter and his partners for a ridiculous $1.2 billion dollars – a Big Mac for the price of a Kobe steak. Thus, MLB closed out the most noxious chapter in the team’s short history and lowered the drawbridge to the unknown.
After bilking the community of billions of dollars (most of which is in the form of as yet unpaid construction bonds) Scrooge simultaneously lined his pocket with IOUs and various other forms of losses from his incompetent management. The fans, as we all know, stayed away in droves from his K-Mart Budget teams. The guy who, born rich in the first place, further built his fortune buying art for Vincent Price (no kidding!) and huckstering animation cells for Charles M. Schulz now rides orf into the sunset at last. And he takes his Chihuahua with him, Jeter having already informed the team’s managing elf that his services would no longer be required. Rumor has it that Hair Hitler plans to reward this bloodsucking slob with the ambassadorship to France, thus adding him to his diplomatic playpen of inexperienced and incompetent hacks. Scrooge ought to feel right at home.
And Beep Beep? Well, there have been rumors – unsettling ones – that he plans to gut the team in order to restock the farm system. Under ordinary circumstances this would be a perfectly logical thing to do with a franchise that hasn’t finished above .500 in eight years and, two World Series championships since 1993 notwithstanding, has never finished first in its division. Both Series rings were won from the Wild Card slot. One can argue that Larry Beinfest, another among many experienced and knowledgeable baseball executives Scrooge canned, made the 2003 championship possible by acquiring Pudge Rodriguez to complete Dave Dombrowski’s handiwork under John Henry’s ownership. I would agree with that. Since Dombrowski left Scrooge’s bottle hasn’t filled with lightning again and the Feesh haven’t sniffed the postseason.
So, a blow ’em up – build from scratch approach makes good sense.
Here’s the problem: Feesh fans, all twenty seven of us, won’t stand for it. This is a market that has been disappointed and betrayed multiple times during the team’s very short history. It’s never been granted the time to catch its breath and buld some sense of community or loyalty. Ergo, even if Jeter can convince the iron Giant, arguably his prizest possession, to shuck his no trade clause and accept a trade back to his home on the sunset side, Beep Beep will have to march fans into Macondo Banana Massacre Field at shotgun point no matter what kind of haul he scores. We’ve seen just too much of this sort of thing. The Feesh might very well set an all time record low attendance during a non-war, non-depression season.
Jeter has already lost one collision with the community in his desire to remove Tommy from his prominent position in the outfield:
The mayor of Macondo informed Jeter in no uncertain terms that Tommy is art, not some cockamamie special adviser to a baseball-ignorant owner like, oh, Jeff Conine, Jack McKeon or Tony Perez the new owner can dispense with at will. Like the stadium itself, Tommy belongs to Macondo, not to the Jeter consortium. Our new mogul took a red handprint to the left cheek on that one. Nice way to open an era, no? So it looks like we get to keep our beloved Grand Guignol icon after all.
Another artistic rumor is that he will scrap the garish, gonorrhea-discharge colors of the current Feesh logo and return us to the understated, classier days of teal-and-white. I would be all for that. However we’ve also heard that he plans to search actively for a morbidly obese corporate sponsor to buy naming rights to the stadium. Aside from hanging a crass new monicker on it, it’s doubtful he plans to plow any more money into the structure, especially after the way the City reminded him so publicly that he doesn’t own it. I doubt seriously if he plans to model it after the fashion of the architectonic bionic prosthesis Joeprodolsharkliferock Stadium up the road.
Another rumor has it that Jeter plans to hang onto the demonstrably incompetent Michael Hill, author of two calamitous postseason fades and mastermind of this past season’s Polish Cavalry Pitching Staph and Lockjaw Boolpen. That will not sit well with the fan base either. Let’s hope the rumors are wrong about that too.
And what about the Feesh’s manager, Jar Jar Baseball?
Right. I don’t know either, but the guy is one of Beep Beep’s old pals from his Borg days so chances are we’re stuck with him for at least another season.
We’ll know a lot more after the Series ends, since MLB has an Omertá rule against making loud noises during the postseason. But I would guess that Beep Beep will, in Joe Torre’s memorable phrase, “roll up his sleeves” and begin transforming the Rainbow Warriors in his own image. I’m not especially optimistic about the results for next season but we shall have to wait and see.