Hi, fam. You’re stuck with a booster shot of estrogen for the next few days. Let’s get this party started!
Pirates 5, Phillies 2 – Pennsylvania has two teams, but there is no Brotherly Love in the Steel City. This game featured one of my favorite things on earth: a pitcher who helps his cause at the plate. Gerrit Cole went six innings, striking out the side in his last, and broke a tie with a two run single. Good stuff.
Astros 10, Braves 4 – The Astros are the best team in baseball. The Braves….are not. But we got a third baseman who is also a first baseman and came back a month early from having his wrist busted, so what do you say about that? Huh? Freddie Freeman is a saint!!! Oh, sorry, I’m sorry. I just get emotional about FF5.
Red Sox 2, Rangers 8 – Dog Fister had a bad night. His ERA has ballooned to over 6. Odor and Profar led the offense for Texas.
Angels 2, Twins 1 – Oh wow. Bud Norris has reinvented himself into a capable closer. Wonder if the Nats will wanna open that can of vaguely racist worms?
Marlins 9, Cardinals 6 – They homered here, they homered there, those rascal Feesh homered everywhere! Giancarlo Stanton like his daddy homered twice, Marcell the Damned (as OG likes to call him) and my boy the Big Buckin’ Chicken homered as well, plus sac flies and errors and a double from Ozuna as well.
Reds 3, Rockies 5 – Jon Gray saw that I was tickled by Gerrit Cole hitting an RBI single and said, “Ha! Watch this!” Gray hit a monster of a home run, the longest traveling homer by any pitcher in the last three years. Suck it, MadBum.
Royals 9, Mariners 6 F/10 – this is a game that happened. Lol
Diamondbacks 0, Dodgers 1 – As a Braves fan, it both warms my heart and makes me sad to see Alex Wood thriving in LA. He is really doing well, and I’m happy for him. Baby, come back….
Blue Jays 7, Yankees 6 – Hrmmph. Dellin Betances. Wow. As Silky Johnson once said at the Haters’ Ball, “What can I say about him that hasn’t been said about Afghanistan? Bombed out and dusty.” Betances got bombed out, all right; allowing four walks in the eighth inning, one of which was the go-ahead run. Not that Michael Pineda was any help, as he gave up two home runs in the third inning himself. But woof. Betances has walked 11 of the last 22 batters. That’s … that’s awful, y’all.
Rays 3, Cubs 7 – Our pal Joe Pos had a poll on twitter – who is more important to the future success of the Cubs organization, Kyle Schwarber or Ian Happ? Anybody wanna guess how I voted? I mean, I love the Schwarbs and I think that Baby Babe Ruth is a tremendous asset to the Cubs, but if you made me choose, I’m taking Ian Happ. I just think he has a bigger upside. Take this game, for example. The Happer hit a tiebreaker two run single and is hitting .357 in his last seven games. That doesn’t suck. And to top it off, Jon Jay hit a pinch hit homer! That also doesn’t suck.
White Sox 4, A’s 7 – Perennial trade bait Sonny Gray got the win last night, even while fighting a bit of a tummy bug. Rajai Davis stole four bases as well. That’s pretty cool.
Padres 6, Indians 2 – The Magical Land of Cleve is without its wizard. Terry Francona is in the hospital, still suffering from an increased heart rate and light headedness. Tito is supposed to manager the AL All Stars but it doesn’t look likely as of right now. He might even miss the rest of Cleveland’s games before the All Star break. That’s a terrible thought. All my best to Tito, who is an amazing manager and someone I have a great deal of respect for. Really not much to discuss as far as the actual game went, but they let the Pads beat them in the Land, so I think that says everything you need to know about how that went.
Giants 5, Tigers 4 – Ah, man. Historio’s boys tried to rally and they did their best, but it just wasn’t enough.
Orioles 0, Brewers 4 – oh, crap, this game happened, too. Um… the Orioles are really bad and the Brewers are surprisingly good.
Mets, Nationals – PPD Rain, rain, go away.