I’m minding my own business, reading Deadspin like I usually do, when I see an article that should be right up my alley. Deadspin ranked pro sports mascots. Well, as a fan and connoisseur of mascots, I thought, “well, let’s see what’s up with this article.”
No. No. Wrong. All wrong, people!
First of all, they rank Mr. Met as the best pro mascot. Of all mascots. I love Mr. Met but the best? No, sorry. The Phanatic, the once and future king of all mascots, was second. No love for the Galapagos Islands, Deadspin?
I’m going through the list and then I see the slight of all slights. They rank Orbit, my beloved green fuzzy wuzzy trolly alien, below the likes of Viktor the Viking (are you on drugs?), Sluggerrr (no?), Bernie Brewer (um, he literally only goes down slides and dances sometimes?), The Friar (???), and S.J. Sharkie! Oh, hell no!
I just can’t, you guys.
Fan Interference 
The Phanatic is a TURD. He regularly does things (hits people, sits on them without permission, throws their food…or their notes if they are opposing broadcasters) that should get him sued.
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I’d call him the Trump of mascots, but Prof WOULD KILL ME DEAD.
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Glares at you.
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The Sun’s Gorilla wasn’t in he top 5? Heresy.
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Mascots are horrible. So are the Chip n’ Dale characters at Disney World. I wish they would just fuck orf and let me eat in peace. Aren’t there any pythons that far north?
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Wait! I thought MEERKATS were horrible!
Gator, do you like meerkats now, or are they both horrible?
If both, which are worse? Pythons would have to work MUCH harder to eat mascots, methinks.
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African rock pythons do eat meerkats, bless their souls, and meerkats remain horrible. I haven’t yet come across a Timon character at Disney World, for which I’m thankful. But I hate how those stupid fleabag Chip n’ Dale characters used to come over and rub my kids’ heads while they were trying to finish their worms and dirt at the Earth pavilion. Lucky for them my kids have grown and don’t really care for DW much anymore; my daughter would kick one in the balls if he tried it again now.
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There are Burmese Pythons down here (unfortunately) that could pretty easily eat most mascots.
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