Mutts Suspend Matt Harvey for Three Days Using Secret Anti-Gravitation Device

Terry Collins, Mutts manager also known as “Mr. Personality,” announced today that he has suspended the Dark Knight for three days without pay for a “rules violation”  the nature of which the team will keep “in house” because “that’s how it’s supposed to be.”

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Although Collins refused to discuss it, it is believed that Harvey will be suspended between the floor and ceiling of the Mutts clubhouse using a secret anti-gravity device which, if it works, will be featured at Walt Disney World’s Epcot area to compensate for the park”s recent prohibition of medical marijuana.

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Meanwhile, the nervous anticipation of a great Jose Urena – Matt Harvey matchup scheduled for today proves to have been a total waste of kinesthesia. The Mutts are bringing up some mound fodder from the minors to take the place of their castigated former star.

So it goes.

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4 thoughts on “Mutts Suspend Matt Harvey for Three Days Using Secret Anti-Gravitation Device

  1. Mets GM stands on top of the tallest building in the neighborhood:
    “Hey everybody! We’re suspending Matt Harvey! He’s on double-secret probation!”

    “:But we can’t tell you why! He’s been a really bad boy! But we don’t want to hurt the team by violating confidentiality!!”

    I’m a bad source. I’ve despised the Mets since 1986. But they are the gift of low comedy that keeps on giving.

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    • I was a Mets fan as long as I was a kid on Lon Gisland, a period which was, at least, blessedly short, and then again when I moved back to New York from London briefly in 1985-87 before escaping to Macondo. During the latter period I sat in a field box just behind first base and up a few rows, with a plaque on it of my own devising that read “Consolidated Coprolite,” and watched the ball roll through Bill Buckner’s legs.

      At the time it didn’t get much better than that.

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        • Yeah, I got my father’s company to spring for the season seats, and on the application there was a space for filling in the company name you wanted to put on your box. The masonite plaque belonged to the Mutts, technically, and I didn’t normally bring a hex wrench to the ballpark so there was no way to abscond with it at the end of the season.

          It stayed “Consolidated Coprolite” for two years, after which I wrote the Mutts a letter claiming we had been acquired by Amplexus Corporation. The next spring (1988) it had been dutifully changed. The pre-Wilpoon Mutts were capable of fine customer service.

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