Mutts Suspend Matt Harvey for Three Days Using Secret Anti-Gravitation Device

Terry Collins, Mutts manager also known as “Mr. Personality,” announced today that he has suspended the Dark Knight for three days without pay for a “rules violation”  the nature of which the team will keep “in house” because “that’s how it’s supposed to be.”

Image result for images of matt harvey

Although Collins refused to discuss it, it is believed that Harvey will be suspended between the floor and ceiling of the Mutts clubhouse using a secret anti-gravity device which, if it works, will be featured at Walt Disney World’s Epcot area to compensate for the park”s recent prohibition of medical marijuana.

Image result for images of walt disney stoned

Meanwhile, the nervous anticipation of a great Jose Urena – Matt Harvey matchup scheduled for today proves to have been a total waste of kinesthesia. The Mutts are bringing up some mound fodder from the minors to take the place of their castigated former star.

So it goes.

4 thoughts on “Mutts Suspend Matt Harvey for Three Days Using Secret Anti-Gravitation Device

  1. Mets GM stands on top of the tallest building in the neighborhood:
    “Hey everybody! We’re suspending Matt Harvey! He’s on double-secret probation!”

    “:But we can’t tell you why! He’s been a really bad boy! But we don’t want to hurt the team by violating confidentiality!!”

    I’m a bad source. I’ve despised the Mets since 1986. But they are the gift of low comedy that keeps on giving.


    1. I was a Mets fan as long as I was a kid on Lon Gisland, a period which was, at least, blessedly short, and then again when I moved back to New York from London briefly in 1985-87 before escaping to Macondo. During the latter period I sat in a field box just behind first base and up a few rows, with a plaque on it of my own devising that read “Consolidated Coprolite,” and watched the ball roll through Bill Buckner’s legs.

      At the time it didn’t get much better than that.


      1. Consolidated Coprolite. If you still had the sign I would put it on the my office door at my petrochemical company.


        1. Yeah, I got my father’s company to spring for the season seats, and on the application there was a space for filling in the company name you wanted to put on your box. The masonite plaque belonged to the Mutts, technically, and I didn’t normally bring a hex wrench to the ballpark so there was no way to abscond with it at the end of the season.

          It stayed “Consolidated Coprolite” for two years, after which I wrote the Mutts a letter claiming we had been acquired by Amplexus Corporation. The next spring (1988) it had been dutifully changed. The pre-Wilpoon Mutts were capable of fine customer service.


Join in on the conversation!

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s