Since I was on the DL during the offseason, I neglected to post about this year’s new crazy ballpark food. So I thought I would post a few things that are coming to a stadium near you. Of course, since I am an adventurous foodie, I will also add my own thoughts. And awaaaaaay we go!

The first thing that I saw is something that is being offered at The Trop. It’s called a “Brunch Bloody Mary” and to be perfectly honest with you, I feel like vomiting in my own mouth. I found a photo of this abomination on Twitter and was hard pressed to believe that it was real. But, alas, it is. I mean, look at this.

I don’t generally curse on the regular, but y’all. This is vile as fuck. Why, yes, that’s two powdered doughnuts, a chicken and waffle mini sandwich thingie, a hard-boiled egg and a bacon-wrapped sausage. And supposedly there’s shrimp in this mess as well. Plus there looks to be an entire fennel frond sticking out of it. Oh, hell no. NOT TODAY, SATAN.

On the other end of the spectrum, the Cubs have stepped up their food game with a whole new spread to accompany their new blingy rings and the new updates to the Grand Old Dame, Wrigley Field.

The one that interests me the most is a bao bun. You can see it on the paper that reads “Pork”. Here is the description: hickory-smoked pulled pork, “Asian sauce”, pickled daikon and carrot, cucumbers and jalapeño relish. So much better than a lousy, soggy piece of pizza.

More Asian fare can be found in Dodger Stadium. If you aren’t feeling like a Dodger Dog, you can enjoy this really fresh looking poke bowl.

And let’s head back to the land of grossness, with this godawful slice of WTF – pork rind nachos with I don’t know the hell else on it. This is going to be served at Camden Yards. See, I don’t even understand what’s happening here. When I went to an Orioles game last year, the food offerings smelled incredible. Now, I don’t know how they tasted because I didn’t eat there, but they smelled great. And then they are bringing THIS? Oh, hell no. You can find a photo of this “delight” at this link, along with photos of other new and different ballpark offerings, along with the WORST new ballpark offering for this year…

The Texas Snow Balls, available at the Ballpark in Arlington. What the ever loving HELL, Rangers?

This is….brisket….dipped in funnel cake batter….fried up….covered with powdered sugar and chocolate sauce….???? I am going to cry, because this is out of the devil’s playbook. This is food murder. Why would you do this?

This is kind of the Anti-Midnight Snack. Sorry, guys.