The reported swap of the Rainbow Warriors for United, The Airline with the Pole up its Ass™, will not be taking place after the carrier tanked on the Dow by over a quarter of a billion dollars today, at which rate it would be worth less than the Feesh by the weekend.
The crash occurred when United CEO Oscar “Jose Jimenez” Munoz was exposed for issuing whiny apologies to the passenger after airport goons from the Chicago Aviation Authority’s Gestapo were filmed bloodying and dragging a 69-year-old passenger orf the plane at O’Hare International Airport on Sunday while simultaneously circulating a private memo to his employees blaming the passenger for beating himself up, bleeding on the aircraft carpet and not reporting his hemophilia at check-in. Normally, you need to be hit in the face by a puck to have a mouth on each side of it.
United CEO Oscar Munoz faces the Press
Scrooge McLoria and the Chihuahua met in emergency session with United stockholders this morning to inform them of the Feesh front orifice’s decision to withdraw their bid to trade the team for the airline and make Oscar Munoz the new team owner. “It would have been a straight up swap,” said the Chihuahua afterwards, “you know, like Fritz Peterson and Mike Kekich’s families. But we can’t make this deal with the share prices tanking. That would be unfair both to the fans and to the stockholders of United, The Airline with the Pole up its Ass™. And besides, we really wanted to leave Macondo with an owner who was as big a jerk as Jeffrey. We’re sorry that unless the Kushner faction returns to the bargaining table, that won’t be happening.”
United stockholder leaves meeting with Scrooge and the Chihuahua