United, “The Airline with the Pole up its Ass,” has reportedly contacted divesting Feesh owner Scrooge McLoria about taking over as its president upon discovering that its current CEO, Oscar Munoz, suffers from multiple personality disorder – and both of him are inept. One Oscar Munoz tweeted his horror at the way an elderly passenger was beaten and dragged orf one of his precious airplanes by Chicago Airport Authority security thugs who themselves had only recently been released from cryogenic storage where they’d been kept since the 1968 Democratic Convention. At the same time, the other Oscar Munoz sent around a “secret” memo to his staff and employees blaming the elderly man for being “belligerent” and “disruptive” with the three airport security goons 30 years younger and twice his size when he was ordered off the plane to make room for United Airlines employees who had just changed out of their leggings.
When questioned about why United hadn’t simply reserved seats for its employees before filling the plane and instigating this fiasco, Munoz excused himself to go play golf at his club.
The board of United was reportedly impressed by Scrooge McLoria’s plan to fill Macondo Banana Massacre Field with holograms of fans to avoid the embarrassment of selling the fewest opening day seats in MLB. “That’s brilliant,” said one of the airline’s trustees. “A hologram will get off the plane without giving our security apes any backtalk! They’ll also make it look like our planes are full, protecting our stock loops when passengers made of protoplasm begin abandoning us in droves.”
Scrooge McLoria has reportedly engaged Red Grooms, the artist who designed Tommy, Macondo Banana Massacre Field’s inimitable “home run feature,” to design the new livery for his soon to be emptied airplanes: