The grapevine is buzzing (did you know grapevines buzzed? That’s why you get a buzz after three glasses of wine) that the Rainbow Warriors, who looked about as hapless as you could look after blowing their charade of chasing Melancon, Jansen and Chapman, have now signed Junichi Tazawa to buck up the boolpen. Tazawa joins the likes of Jeff Locke and Edinson Volquez on the “depth chart,” which in this team’s case measures how low you can sink in the standings with a rotation that looks like it’s set to explore the wondrous world of those lipwhiskered sulfur-metabolising deep ocean vent seaworms.
Junichi Tazawa packs up his house on the banks of the Sumidagawa and heads for the shoals of Rio Macondo
It’s rumored to be a two year deal for only $12 million, based on Tazawa’s sparkling 2016 in Boston. Therein he posted the worst numbers of his career, with a 4.17 ERA in 53 appearances. After the All Star Break, the Beanbags relegated him to a cave under Fenway Park where he busied himself singing falsetto to Mothra’s egg. Feesh first factotem Michael Hill reportedly traveled to Guam to sign the veteran, where Tazawa had been hiding out since September stubbornly refusing to concede that Boston had lost the Wild Card Game.
Ratification of the most recent CBA, also known as “Sign n’ Hang.”
The Feesh are rumored to have an additional offer on the table for Brad Ziegler, the sidearming antique free agent whose puttering pitches induce so much soft contact and terrestrial inaction. They’re also – supposedly – eyeballing Ivan Nova for when their recent rotation acquisitions get shelled and moved to the boolpen for mop up duty. This should also open an opportunity for David Phelps to move back to a starter’s role.
Unanswered as yet: who’s supposed to drive in all those stranded runners the Feesh wimp wandsmen keep orphaning? Why, the untouchable young core, of course. Ergo, the front orifice hasn’t been falling all over itself to bring in any bench or platoon personnel – and may I remind you that the sublime Frenchy remains at liberty. What are you waiting for, peepholes?