Hot Stove Season is Upon Us, or, Is it Better to Bake or Microwave Free Agents?

This isn’t another smoke signal from the land of the Beloved Wooden Spoon, but a reminder that with the cessation of hostilities following the Great Cleveland Dullness and the decline into orfseason, the inappropriately named “Hot Stove Season” (at least in Macondo, Tampa and San Diego, where “hot grill season” makes more sense) has begun. It is now time to turn our attention from the fallow fields of summer to the hallowed halls of simmer. It’s buying, selling and trading time:

Already, options are being declined or picked up (options, apparently, are so light that fat middle aged white men in overpriced suits can bend over and lift them into their ledgers).

Free agents are being freshly minted. Teams with “needs” (Democratic) or “entitlements” (Reslugnican) are looking to fill their rosters with somewhat more productive (or at least less expensive) players than currently infest them:

In a few weeks, the Lords of Baseball (otherwise known as the Ancient Old Ones, who created life on Earth as a joke and the Cubs world championship as the punchline) will meet in some strictly business environment to begin the process of sorting through their rosters and laying the groundwork for next season’s festivities:

As we know, some orfseasons can be even more exciting than the baseball seasons that preceded them, especially if they ended up in Cleveland. In any event, let this be your clarion call to put on your hallucinating caps and start fabricating visions of your rooting interests in their ideal formats. Ready…set….






8 thoughts on “Hot Stove Season is Upon Us, or, Is it Better to Bake or Microwave Free Agents?

  1. Now that the Cubs have devolved from lovable losers to hated emerging dynasty, and now that we don’t have ARod to poop on this off season, may I initiate the off season discussion as to who the new lovable loser is to be.

    As you might guess, I nominate the Twins.

    Consider (below taken from

    The loveable pitchers:
    Wins Above Replacement (Baseball-Reference)
    Ervin Santana: 3.8
    All Minnesota Twins pitchers combined (including Ervin Santana): 1.8

    FACT: You personally produced more WAR than the entire Twins’ pitching staff other than Ervin Santana

    Runs allowed
    Minnesota Twins: 889 (15th in AL)
    Oakland Athletics: 761 (14th in AL)
    Toronto Blue Jays: 666 (1st in AL)
    Difference between Twins and Athletics: 128
    Difference between Athletics and Blue Jays: 95

    Can’t be the most lovable without comedic defense:

    Minnesota Twins: 126 (15th in AL)
    Oakland Athletics: 97 (tied for 12th-14th in AL)
    Detroit Tigers: 75 (1st in AL)
    Difference between Twins and Athletics: 29
    Difference between Athletics and Tigers: 22

    As you can see they crush their nearest American League rival, so whatch you got Atlanta?


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