I’m Still Here, but Fernando Rodney and Andrew Cashner Won’t Be

Whelp,  Hurricane Matthew done been there and gone. We got orf with a moderate drenching and a few gusts sufficient to blow down leaves and fronds. Traditionally frangible, the FPL infrastructure hereabouts kept on keeping on so there’s still plenty of sparkle in the wires.

Ergo, after opening some shutters to let in the gloom (but not all of them, since some predictive models have this whoresun of a storm ackcherly doing a U-turn orf the Carolinas and spinning back this way next week) I have the time and leisure to mention that what little space in the local feeshwrappers that wasn’t devoted to the pending storm mentioned that the Feesh have decided – big shock – to let the door swing shut on the arses of two of their three Buddha-awful 2016 pitching acquisitions, Andrew Cashner and Fernando Rodney. Cashner is a free agent and the front orifice is in no frame of mind to make him a QO after his rotten performance for them: 1-6, 5.12 ERA. He prolly iced his thanks but no thanks when he told ESPN that he wouldn’t re-sign with the Feesh unless they dropped their no-beard policy back in September. Whereas I agree with him that the facial hairless policy is painfully stupid, I doubt if anyone believed his miserable performance was consequent of the Delilah effect. More likely, the front orifice just decided that he sucked, even if this revelation came a bit late.

Fernando Rodney is a slightly different story. Like Cashner, he came over from the Padres near the waiver trade deadline midseason. Like Cashner, he was awful, especially in September when he ran the table for futility to a 10.81 ERA over his last ten appearances. Rodney had, however, pitched very well for the Padres before he crash-landed at Macondo Banana Massacre Field, earning incentive bonuses under his contract that would have forced the front orifice factotems to cough up a $4.5 million salary if they picked up his 2017 option. Well, you can imagine how that went down Scrooge McLoria’s craw like a bolus of gefilte fish full of broken razor blades. The Feesh will more likely pay Rodney his $400,000 buy-out and be rid of him for a bit less than one tenth the cost.

The Rainbow Warriors are, however, well and truly stuck with the Gopher King, Wei-Yin Chen, and the $60 million left on his five year, $80 million contract. First of all, no one in their right minds would take him orf the front orifice’s hands and much more than the league minimum. Second of all, with the terrible loss of El Keed, the team needs warm bodies in the rotation, even though they’ll try to restock pitching over the orfseason.

Our regulars will recall that back when the Feesh made this deal I gagged. It looks worse than ever now. This is going to be the orfseason from hell, even by Macondo standards.

Incidentally, this egalitarian renaming of hurricanes as alternately male and female still strikes me as dumb. We should name them the way we really feel about them, to wit: Hurricane Asshole, Hurricane Bastard, Hurricane Crap, Hurricane Dickhead….



9 thoughts on “I’m Still Here, but Fernando Rodney and Andrew Cashner Won’t Be

  1. Glad you dodged that particular bullet, Lagarto Viejo. Now I only have to worry about the cousins I have who live on the central/northern coast.


    • Just an FYI, Badhair, you can get a real trademark symbol – ™ – by holding down ALT and hitting 0153. BTW, kudos on Penis Peninsula™


        • Thanks… life has been crazy lately… change of job (same place, different team, huge learning curve), major surgery in July and the oldest starting university… but things have settled a bit and there is playoff baseball to be watched and my boys are in the thick of it.

          Liked by 1 person

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