Report: Feesh Fire Barry Bonds at Behest of Jar Jar Baseball

You know how it is around Macondo Banana Massacre Field: when you don’t win, heads have to roll. Ergo around the outset of the orfseason the executive exit to the stadium usually resembles a bocci court. Of course, the beeg question today was: whose head? And at what size?

Remarkably on the surface of it, the first bocci ball to roll was Barry Bands whose much ballyhooed hire as hitting coach during the last orfseason was supposed to herald a new offensive era for the Feesh. Under Bonds the team raked .263, fourth best in the real baseball league collectively, and that’s figuring that two of their biggest offensive threats, the Iron Giant and Justin Bour, were sidelined for sizable gouts of the season.

According to Jon Heyman, the Julian Assange of baseball reportage, though, the real problem was that Bonds and Jar Jar Baseball weren’t getting along. There’s apparently only enough room for one legend in that clubhouse and if you throw Ichiro into the mix the Rainbow Warriors had three of them packed in there. Poor Jar Jar must have felt like a tapeworm in a constipated glutton, even with his own orifice into which he could occasionally retreat and soak in reveries about his World Series heroics of yore.

Anyway, according to Craig Mish, Bonds also had issues with the Iron Giant, who tuned him out after Bonds criticized his batting approach – one assumes having much to do with his self-destructive tendency to lurch like a snapping toitle after low and away sliders.

The report also claims that Lenny Harris played the pallino and  preceded Bonds out the door. I guess the leading pinch hitter of all time hardly counts as a legend in a clubhouse fecund with mythic icons. Let’s say that in such precincts of immortality he barely qualified as what Joseph Campbell might have called an epicyclist in the Tour de Grand Fenwick..

So it goes.

Expect more scrambled noggins to litter the course in the days ahead as the Feesh front orifice lashes out in frustration at coaches and other marginaliums who had little or nothing to do with the fact that the team couldn’t drive in runners from scoring position to save its collective cloaca and the front orifice made a couple of disastrous pitching trades (Cashner, Rodney) and one awful signing (Chen) into the bargain.

Jar Jar Baseball, however, still seems secure in his position – leading this writer to ask rhetorically whether he ever got the best out of the talent at his disposal. My short answer is “no,” but then, he was a childhood idol of Scrooge McLoria and may even have stayed in a Holiday Inn last night. That’s got to be worth at least one more year shut out of the postseason. More on that in the weeks to come.

Feesh Front Orifice Meeting in their Scanner Darkly scramble suits, via Hidden Camera

 

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3 thoughts on “Report: Feesh Fire Barry Bonds at Behest of Jar Jar Baseball

  1. I was surprised that Bonds got the old heave-ho at first. But then I thought about it and then I read your post, and it confirmed what I was thinking. It’s really too bad because it seemed that Bonds was doing really well with some of the guys. Christian Yelich seemed to blossom this year and I don’t know if that’s because of something he did or something that Bonds did. I am hoping you can give me some insider info here 😛

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    • There’s colliding insider/outsider info posing as insider info and/or insider info posing as outsider info to protect the innocent posing as the guilty or the guilty posing as the innocent.

      Make sense?

      Good. Anyway, here’s how the local spawrts raydeeo tork shows and feeshwrappers are spinning it (you’d think they hired Reshad Field to coordinate their unclaims):

      1) The Occam’s Razor version: Jar Jar Baseball’s / Bonds’ egos collided. Jar Jar / Bonds couldn’t handle Bond’s / Jar Jar’s attitudes. The friction combined with the really, really poor RISP performance orfset any influence Bonds might have had on improving the team collective batting average to .263 so Bonds walked the plank.

      2) The You Can’t Fire Me, I Quit version: Bonds began coasting on his friendships with Scrooge McLoria and certain players, especially El Keed, and wasn’t really working hard with any but a select few players like Yelich and Realmuto. By the end of the season, he was unabashed about how little of a crap he gave anymore. Off with his head!

      3) The Truth Shall Set You Free Version: Frank Menechino, the team”s longtime hitting coach who was shouldered aside when Bonds arrived, was the guy who was really helping the hitters and Bonds was just dropping occasional insights pelican-style while Menechino did all the real work. You always knew that Bonds was Bonds ’cause he never had any shit on him.

      4) The Benoit Mandelbrot version: Jar Jar didn’t like how close Bonds got with El Keed while the Iron Giant didn’t like being reminded that his penchant for whiffing on the low outside pitch was so well known that nearly 30% of the pitches he was seeing were low outside pitches but Bonds wouldn’t stop reminding him, and the front orifice factotums, under sustained chirping from Jar Jar after the Allstar Break became concerned that there’d be friction between the Iron Giant and El Keed because of it, and factions seemed to be forming to wit Bonds/Yelich/El Keed/Realmuto on one hand versus Jar Jar / the Iron Giant/ [space intentionally left blank] while Scrooge McLoria, in thrall to legendary players like Bonds, supported Bonds, alienating Jar Jar Baseball, to whom Scrooge McLoria was also in thrall, creating epicycles of cognitive dissonance in the clubbyhouse that rippled through the front orifice.

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      • Must be especially tough for Marlin fans to deal with this level of dysfunction year after year. I think a sound organization can identify and address weaknesses(see Cardinals, St. Louis) several years down the road. But this is clearly more serious than merely not addressing weaknesses.(see Tigers, Detroit).

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