The Vulture Report: September 19th, 2016

Yeah, yeah. I know it’s Wednesday and the column is late. Unlike other people I don’t get paid for writing snarky blog entries about baseball, I do it for free. The week has been brutal to put it mildly. Not San Francisco Giants brutal, maybe more like New York Mets brutal? I don’t know. I get the feeling the Mets are going to fold like a cheap suit and the wild cards will be the Cardinals and the Giants.

September 12th, Chaz Roe of the Atlanta Braves. I kid you not, THAT is his legal name. Well Chaz Daniel Roe, but still. It’s like a name from a late 80’s early 90’s Nintendo baseball video game.

This is what Chaz looked like on the mound

It’s quite apropos since the game already looked like “video game baseball” what with a 7-5 lead the Braves had over the Marlins going into the 6th inning. Although to be honest, this was all Iran Krol’s fault. The man was completely unable to get a single freaking out.

Single, Single, Single (RBI) and… Single. Yes, we’re definitely channeling R.B.I. baseball at this point.

Ian Krol is terrible.

Chaz came in to put out the fire. All in all it was decent outing. He faced the Wounded Giant, Giancarlo Stanton. It was a sacrifice fly (better than a home run), so the run came in and Chaz gets the blown save. He intentionally walked Justin Bour to strike out Really Speedy Bastard er- J.T. Realmuto and managed to induce an Adeinys Hechavarria ground out to end the threat.

Later on the Braves would score five more runs to get a REAL lead and not a tenuous one. All Hail Chaz Roe, Winning R.B.I. Baseball Pitcher.

September 13th, Jeurys Familia of the New York Mets. Pitching Sensation Jeurys Familia is usually fairly reliable. Though he tends to blow about 5 games a year which isn’t bad considering he’s saved 49 games so far. That’s about a 90% save rate. That’s pretty good.

Jeurys came in the 9th inning of a 3-1 game to do what he does best: Close out games. Apparently he was replaced by an imposter and the real Familia was tied to a chair, gagged and locked in the bullpen bathroom, because he immediately surrended a single to Daniel Murphy and Harper reached on a throwing error (by Reyes, not Familia).

Things got worse as Anthony Rendon singled driving in Murphy. Wilson Ramos would bring in the tying run hitting a ball that was deflected by Familia.

At this point the real Familia breaks out of the bathroom and yells: “The Man is an Imposter!”

Not really, but that would have been so funny. Zimmerman lined out to James Loney for out number one and Clint Robinson hit into a douple play to end the inning. T.J. Rivera would hit a home run in the 10th. Fernando Salas and Jerry Blevins combined for the save in the 10th inning.

BTW I find Familia’s entrance song is way too campy for a closer. I know his friend composed it for him and everything, but the idea is to put in some music that will let the opposition know that it’s game over man. While “La Sagrada Familia” is way too long as a song, there are certain sections that would be awesome for entrance music. The lyrics are even apropos. But that’s just me.

4 thoughts on “The Vulture Report: September 19th, 2016

  1. Another enjoyable read, FC. This has become a regular stopping place for me.

    When I saw “Chaz Roe” the first thing I thought of was fish eggs.

    And I liked the link to the Sagrada Familia. I don’t remember that one from the Parsons Project at all.


    1. Thanks! you will find few bigger fans than I of the Alan Parsons Project (Mike Myers is one, to the point that Dr. Evil’s giant laser was named after the band, which they immediately acknowledged by having the son mock Dr. Evil for his choice of name).

      Sagrada Familia is from the Gaudi album, the official last Project and collaboration between Parsons and Woolfson. Technically speaking Freudiana would have been a follow up but the project broke up at that point and Woolfson released it under his name turning it into a rock opera. Parsons went on his own with Try Anything Once and the subsequent follow ups.


    2. The Gaudi album is sensational, quite brilliant really. The Gaudi in question ( it IS a concept album after all.) Is Antoni Gaudi, maybe one of the most forward thinking cathedral builders in history. As an aside, I kinda believe, hope, that Ken Follett epic Pillars of the Earth is roughly based on Gaudi.

      Anyway, download the album on whatever your app is and if you don’t love La Sagrada Familia, then I don’t know what to tell you. If you’re interested in giving them another chance for music that will make you think, try Turn of a friendly Card. Another sadly underrated disk. Fuck it. ANY album from Alan Parsons is awesome if you ignore the hits.

      The hits are still excellent, but like AC/DC after a while….the only one left is the person who’s still wearing a school uniform or Letterman Jacket, high school/ alma mater ring. You know…. people you hate and fired long ago…ah yes wistful years for you, now I tend to work for them and they are still mad at you, but take it out on me.😉
      Just kidding, I actually love the chefs I work with now even though my youngest is THREE years older than my Susse chef.

      I know that you’re older than I, but did you face ageism in your fifties in your professional life like I do? I have to guarantee that I won’t alter recipes, timings or even talk to the waitstaff unless directed to, then the ” the dishwasher and the salad guy called out, sorry, we need you to do double duty tonight…haha) [ all trying to see if the old guy can handle pressure….wannabe Gordon Ramsay’s ] and within four weeks I become an intricate part of their operations.

      I never had to put up with this shit until I hit thirty which is why I learned to be a General Contractor. Pretty soon I was making as much as bartenders and only working twice the hours. Fast forward seven years and I fell of a roof. I can’t play guitar anymore and I definitely ain’t making 40 bucks an hour being Lead Carpenter or labor foreman.

      Somehow, someway I decided to give cooking another chance and it isn’t the same. When I stopped being a susse chef in th late nineties, dishwashers were making twelve bucks an hour and the starting saute veterans were getting 17 an hour.I have a pretty good if not ” spotty resume” because of a eighteen year gap, that affords me a sizable advantage to still be in the same pay range, but ARE YOU kidding me.

      My resume warrants me asking for what I was making fifteen years ago? I digress.

      I like almost everything you’ve posted for like fucking ever. And I just smoked a fatty that gives me the benefits of typing with my forehead and you tend to respond to my idiocy. Plus I like you. And living in Texas is hard! They are getting an absurdly high amount of immigrants and with The Trumpers ripping off the bandaid where being openly racist and open carry being a thing, well, I appreciate you still having an open mind. I still love that you are thinking about your progeny, and not how much money you can make.


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