Hello, peeps! Your friendly neighborhood Prof here to blog the festivities. I’m super excited for the home run derby, which is literally the only thing I like about the All Star Game ever since “the game matters”. I don’t know, call me irresponsible.
The derby is very simple. Bracket style, matching up slugger vs slugger in a battle of mashed taters. I will be updating this post periodically, so keep up with me and post your thoughts in the comments below.
Let’s have fun!
ALL TIMES CST
7:06 pm: They just announced our mashers for the evening. Tonight, I’m rooting for the very loveable mighty Trumbo to be my winner, but if he doesn’t make it, I’m going for Todd Frazier. If the Toddfather misses out, I’m going Corey Seager because I like that kid. But we’re all winners when it comes to giant moonshots.
Those uniforms, though. Ugh. Wil Myers especially looks like a counter worker at a 1980s Taco Bell.
7:17 pm: Corey Seager is our first guy. He started slow, and now he’s getting heated up. 15 homers! Two of them were over 440 ft. Very impressive start for the rookie.
7:26 pm: MARK TRUMBO FOR MAYOR OF THE DERBY, y’all.
My god! 8 in a row, absolutely killer. Some of those shots were so incredible, I mean, that’s how you do it, kids. THE TOP OF THE WESTERN METAL SUPPLY BUILDING FOR GOD’S SAKE. I mean, those hits… those hits were something else. Wow.
Seager, kid, you did good but you got bested by a master blaster.
7:35 pm: Giancarlo Stanton was thisclose to hitting the Petco scoreboard. Holy cats!
7:39 pm: Stanton ends up with 24 home runs. This is the most impressive single round performance since, I don’t know, Justin Morneau or Josh Hamilton a few years ago? That’s not even far. Nice knowing you, Robbie Cano…
7:46 pm: Poor Robbie Cano. It’s hard to go up against 24 homers. Sweet swingin’ Cano only got to 7.
7:58 pm: Hometown hero Wil Myers gets a nice start. Does he look like Mark Wahlberg to you? I think it’s the eyes. Anyway, very healthy performance from the San Diego kid. 10 homers, but here comes the guy from the Reds that no one knows.
8:02 pm: Adam Duvall is that guy from the Reds that no one knows, but everyone knows him now! Hit 11 in about half the time that Myers did his. He might be fresher than some of the other guys now. We’ll see. So now we have the reigning champ, the Toddfather, vs CarGo from the Rockies.
8:14 pm: Carlos Gonzalez from Colorado is up. I’m having a lot of fun watching the guys watching the festivities during this particular at-bat. Jake Arrieta and son paling around with David Ortiz is fun. Jose Altuve, the little second baseman who could, just got conked in his head by – I think? – Miggy. Only because he’s so darn short.
Lovin’ that hat swag, CarGo. Dig it.
8:23 pm: Gonzalez ends up with 12. And now the silky smooth swing of Todd Frazier comin’ at ya. I love Todd Frazier. This is a guy that I think everyone likes, actually. I don’t know if I can trust anyone who does not like the Toddfather. He just has so much fun out there, seems like such a good dude.
Also, Todd wears no hat because he can’t mess up that tight do of his.
13 home runs, and he didn’t even break a sweat.
So now, we got our second tier matchups. Giancarlo Stanton vs Mark Trumbo. Adam Duvall vs Todd Frazier. LET’S GO!
8:34 pm: 497 feet. Damn, son. Giancarlo Stanton is out here flat murdering balls, and his buddy and ours El Keed goes out to give us a most appropriate emoji.
The Arrieta children approve.
8:47 pm: MARK TRUMBO HITS THE SCOREBOARD. MARK TRUMBO HITS THE ROOF OF THE WESTERN SUPPLY BUILDING AGAIN.
But sadly, he doesn’t hit the insane pace set by The Iron Giant, so he does not go on. So now, we’ll get to see the other two guys get to mashing.
8:55 pm: Adam Duvall is really impressive, especially since no one knows anything about him. I still think Frazier will eventually smash it. Duvall ends up with 15.
9:02 pm: Ah, yeah. The Toddfather. Always starts a little slow, but then puts on a show. I love it. What a dude.
9:12 pm: We have our finals!
Straight up murderous.
Stanton vs Frazier. Only one can remain.
Giancarlo starts strong. All sorts of crazy moonshots coming off of his bat. Oh, my goodness, this is pretty rad.
9:18 pm: 20 homers in the last round for The Iron Giant! Holy crap! That is absolutely insane! The absolute finest slugging performance, round for round, I’ve ever seen! And now we get to see Todd Frazier attempt to best a demigod. However, one thing I’ve noticed is that Frazier has barely put any effort into besting his other contestants, so he’s got plenty of gas in the tank. I wonder how many he’ll eventually get. We’ll see…
9:22 pm: Todd starting WEAK SAUCE. This is not a good look. He needs to get into the groove, and he has to start to get hot, right now, or else he’ll never get to it.
9:28 pm: Congrats Giancarlo! What a performance! This was absolutely incredible and we were witnesses. We’ll be talking about this for years to come – right up there with the aforementioned Morneau and Hamilton home run derbies of years past.
Thanks for reading along, guys. I hope you had fun with the derby this year. I know I did!