Livebloggin’ the Home Run Derby!

Hello, peeps! Your friendly neighborhood Prof here to blog the festivities. I’m super excited for the home run derby, which is literally the only thing I like about the All Star Game ever since “the game matters”. I don’t know, call me irresponsible.

The derby is very simple. Bracket style, matching up slugger vs slugger in a battle of mashed taters. I will be updating this post periodically, so keep up with me and post your thoughts in the comments below.

Let’s have fun!


7:06 pm:  They just announced our mashers for the evening. Tonight, I’m rooting for the very loveable mighty Trumbo to be my winner, but if he doesn’t make it, I’m going for Todd Frazier. If the Toddfather misses out, I’m going Corey Seager because I like that kid. But we’re all winners when it comes to giant moonshots.

Those uniforms, though. Ugh. Wil Myers especially looks like a counter worker at a 1980s Taco Bell.

7:17 pm:  Corey Seager is our first guy. He started slow, and now he’s getting heated up. 15 homers! Two of them were over 440 ft. Very impressive start for the rookie.


My god! 8 in a row, absolutely killer. Some of those shots were so incredible, I mean, that’s how you do it, kids. THE TOP OF THE WESTERN METAL SUPPLY BUILDING FOR GOD’S SAKE. I mean, those hits… those hits were something else. Wow.

Seager, kid, you did good but you got bested by a master blaster.

7:35 pm:  Giancarlo Stanton was thisclose to hitting the Petco scoreboard. Holy cats!

7:39 pm:  Stanton ends up with 24 home runs. This is the most impressive single round performance since, I don’t know, Justin Morneau or Josh Hamilton a few years ago? That’s not even far. Nice knowing you, Robbie Cano…

7:46 pm:  Poor Robbie Cano. It’s hard to go up against 24 homers. Sweet swingin’ Cano only got to 7.

7:58 pm:  Hometown hero Wil Myers gets a nice start. Does he look like Mark Wahlberg to you? I think it’s the eyes. Anyway, very healthy performance from the San Diego kid. 10 homers, but here comes the guy from the Reds that no one knows.

8:02 pm:  Adam Duvall is that guy from the Reds that no one knows, but everyone knows him now! Hit 11 in about half the time that Myers did his. He might be fresher than some of the other guys now. We’ll see. So now we have the reigning champ, the Toddfather, vs CarGo from the Rockies.

8:14 pm: Carlos Gonzalez from Colorado is up. I’m having a lot of fun watching the guys watching the festivities during this particular at-bat. Jake Arrieta and son paling around with David Ortiz is fun. Jose Altuve, the little second baseman who could, just got conked in his head by – I think? – Miggy. Only because he’s so darn short.

Lovin’ that hat swag, CarGo. Dig it.

8:23 pm:  Gonzalez ends up with 12. And now the silky smooth swing of Todd Frazier comin’ at ya. I love Todd Frazier. This is a guy that I think everyone likes, actually. I don’t know if I can trust anyone who does not like the Toddfather. He just has so much fun out there, seems like such a good dude.

Also, Todd wears no hat because he can’t mess up that tight do of his.

13 home runs, and he didn’t even break a sweat.

So now, we got our second tier matchups. Giancarlo Stanton vs Mark Trumbo. Adam Duvall vs Todd Frazier. LET’S GO!

8:34 pm:  497 feet. Damn, son. Giancarlo Stanton is out here flat murdering balls, and his buddy and ours El Keed goes out to give us a most appropriate emoji.

The Arrieta children approve.



But sadly, he doesn’t hit the insane pace set by The Iron Giant, so he does not go on. So now, we’ll get to see the other two guys get to mashing.

8:55 pm:  Adam Duvall is really impressive, especially since no one knows anything about him. I still think Frazier will eventually smash it. Duvall ends up with 15.

9:02 pm: Ah, yeah. The Toddfather. Always starts a little slow, but then puts on a show. I love it. What a dude.

9:12 pm: We have our finals!

grinchy puss

Straight up murderous.

Stanton vs Frazier. Only one can remain.

Giancarlo starts strong. All sorts of crazy moonshots coming off of his bat. Oh, my goodness, this is pretty rad.

9:18 pm:  20 homers in the last round for The Iron Giant! Holy crap! That is absolutely insane! The absolute finest slugging performance, round for round, I’ve ever seen! And now we get to see Todd Frazier attempt to best a demigod. However, one thing I’ve noticed is that Frazier has barely put any effort into besting his other contestants, so he’s got plenty of gas in the tank. I wonder how many he’ll eventually get. We’ll see…

9:22 pm:  Todd starting WEAK SAUCE. This is not a good look. He needs to get into the groove, and he has to start to get hot, right now, or else he’ll never get to it.

9:28 pm: Congrats Giancarlo! What a performance! This was absolutely incredible and we were witnesses. We’ll be talking about this for years to come – right up there with the aforementioned Morneau and Hamilton home run derbies of years past.

Thanks for reading along, guys. I hope you had fun with the derby this year. I know I did!

11 thoughts on “Livebloggin’ the Home Run Derby!

  1. I must say I enjoy the timed format much better than the old 10 outs way. Stanton was flat out crushing the ball, hitting still-rsing liners into the upper decks in left. He destroyed the old record of 41 total homers (set by Bobby Abreu, I believe), by hitting — appropriately — 61 home runs. Those 61 dingers totaled just over 5 miles of total distance, and of the 21 longest hit tonight, 20 were by the Iron Giant. That, my friends, is a power show.

    Now if we can just send Chris Berman back back back back to wherever he came from…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I generally hate when MLB monkeys around with the formats of things, but this is the one time they really got it right. I really love this new format; keeps things exciting and fresh, and it feels more organic! The old ten outs thing was so bogus; how many awesome home run performances did we miss out on because of this? Imagine if Prince Fielder or Josh Hamilton, back in their heavy lumber days, could do a timed clinic like that. That one year Hambone might have hit a million bajillion homers, and I’m only slightly exaggerating. 😛

      Chris Berman is a fossil that needs to be reburied.


    2. The total HR record isn’t really fair considering Stanton had a bit of an advantage by going first, thus ensuring he’d get his full time. Trumbo was on a rampage on round 1, but was stopped as soon as he passed his opponent. Additionally, the new record only works in the new format. The old 10 pitch format did not provide nearly as may opportunities for a player to swing. I do like the new format, but maybe average distance would be a better comparison than HR total. But again, it’s an exhibition, so records don’t really matter.


  2. I’m just back from Germany, trailing clouds of glory, jetlagged and so brain dead that a zombie would spit it out. I had ten hours of fun pigging out on old movies on my poisonal video screen (Ben Hur, Chariots of Fire, The French Connection, Mighty Joe Young) but the thin desiccated air, time zone sleight of hand – I got up at ten PM Macondo time, 4AM Berlin time, and after the usual delays and connection times in London got home at 7 PM Macondo time or, if you will, after 21 hours on the move – took me to the metabolic mat and I well and truly conked out. I ain’t no spring archaeopteryx anymore:

    Spring Archaeopteryx

    Ergo, I missed the Derby and the Iron Giant’s Brobdingnagian display of raw firepower, but what, am I supposed to be surprised?

    I’m now wide awake at four bloody twenty five AM, my body telling me it’s past time for lunch. Flopped out before I remembered to take my melatonin, but I won’t make the same mistake tonight. After some good old Cuban food I’ll be reoriented and will begin my series – you’ve been warned – on dining in Germany, my Swiftian travels, my laptop giving up its ghost, my visit to an odd little Palatine town, my stunning post-paleontological discovery on the lawn of the Franfurt Museum of Natural History, my dramatic reading of the Reverend Green episode from Blood Meridian in a Berlin biergarten to thunderous applause by marinated Teutonic yuppies who were drowning their loss to France in drink and couldn’t understand a word of it, speaking of which I discovered Erdinger’s alkoholfreie weissbier, and on the Feesh at midseason.

    Will I prognosticate? I prolly oughtta not.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Welcome home, OG. I look forward to hearing about your travels. As one who lived in Germany for 4-1/2 years (and this was in my 20s and pre-wife-and-kids, so I really LIVED), I couldn’t get enough of the food… schnitzel, spaetzle, bratwurst, rumpsteak mit krauterbutter, you name it… oh, and the beer and wine. Bring it on!


      1. Thanks for your kind words. I recall Robert DiNiro as Al Capone in The Untouchables reminding us that a gun and a kind word got you further than a kind word.

        Ahhh, sunshine. You know, Germans don’t mean the same thing by “sunny day” that we mean here in Macondo. They mean a ten minute interval when the sun breaks through.

        I am slowly returning to what passes for normal in my purview. I should resume posting this evening some time; right now, time to sort through the accumulated detritus on my desk and restock the fridge after the depredations inflicted upon it by da wife and the four houndlings of the apocalypse.


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