I went to see Captain America: Civil War last night instead of watching baseball until I got home late and listened to my boys in Cali on the radio.
CA: Civil War was the wonderful story of how Cap helped Abraham Lincoln and the North during the 1860s against the rebellious South… oh, wait that’s not the movie I saw at all. The movie I saw should have been titled Captain America: Kind of Sort of a Dick Sometimes? When did he become a libertarian? I loved the movie, but after what I saw last night, Team Iron Man 100%. Also, Black Widow is still awesome and the most interesting character on that screen last night. Not only because I am a total fan girl. She was the only one who could see both sides. I am a big fan of nuanced thinkers. These opinions–and they are just that, my opinions, not statements of fact–will probably start a civil war on this web site. On to le baseball…
Cubs 8-Nationals 6. This team is never losing again, is it? Rizzo’s homer hit a what? A flag? It did not. You’re shitting me. It did. Was it blowing fair? Foul? WHAT? Are you serious? I think you just blew my mind.
Zobrist is ZORILLA again, hitting two homers. Cubs fans, that was the nickname Maddon dubbed Zobrist in 2008 when he was just a baby. Zobrist hits the ball like a Gorilla = ZORILLA. Learn it, love it, live it. Zobrist 101. We will train you in the ways of loving Zobrist.
Late 2008 season. I was very pregnant with my little girl in this picture, in my scrubs, on my way to work. I look awful. Ugh, pregnancy sucks. I could not pass up the opportunity to meet Zobrist at this fan event at the Trop. I think the Chinese writing on my scrubs says, “Don’t trust this godammed idiot nurse” but my Cantonese is very rusty.
The ball he signed for the little girl I was carrying in that huge belly, a few years later. “You are such a little cutie” he told her. Ditto, Zobrist.
Miami 6-Phillies 4. There is a new celestial object. Look, up in the sky, it’s a bird, it’s a plane… uh… it’s Stanton’s home run ball is orbiting the planet. 475 feet. Don’t think about the physics. It’ll blow your mind.
Yankees 3-Red Sox 2. They’re playing again? Have they been playing each other all season? Maybe that’s why Ortiz is so ornery? He went after an umpire because he’s kind of sort of a dick sometimes.
The umpire did have a freaking smug, pleased look on his face. Ortiz was way out of line, but I would have wanted to smack that face too. I have no love for Ortiz. I think he’s an ass, but to be fair, I also wanted to report something he did last week that was pretty cool, and no one mentioned it here. He promised a little kid with cancer that he would hit a home run for him, and he did.
Fair and balanced. Just like Fox News. People are complicated and imperfect? Go figure.
Blue Jays 5-Dodgers 2. Maeda pitched well, but is showing signs of being human. Pillar and Joey Bats go yard. (Poll: Who is more disliked? Jose Bautista or David Ortiz or Alex Rodiguez. Why does this poll only include Dominicans? Hmm. Play the right way?)
Cleveland 7-Royals 1. They may never be royals, but they sure shut ’em down. Salazar struck out 9 and blanked their royal highnesses for 7 2/3 innings.
Reds 5-Brewers 1. Did the Reds bullpen give up that run? Votto hit a solo homer because he is a bad motherfucker. My favorite Votto moment.
I like this player. He gets the game.
Rangers 5-Tigers 1. Two unbeaten pitchers entered the arena. Only one left unbeaten. Hamels. Zimmerman was roughed up by Rougned between the white lines.
Rays 5-Angels 2. It was much closer than the score would have you think with the Rays constantly flirting with disaster and me melting down into new cursing. I thought of a new one I liked: “Jesus Lint Picker.” I don’t know what that means. Jesus picking lint from a belly button. But yeah, I kind of melt down. Trout, Pooholes. Trout K’d to end the game. Fuck my fantasy team. Sit your ass down, Jersey boy. 🙂
You don’t want to know what I’m thinking. I’m probably imagining you all naked. I miss Leonard Nimoy.
White Sox 10-Twins 4. Temper, temper. White Sox get to 20 wins, but not without some fireworks. Abreu was plunked and we’re off! Ventura was ejected. Clearly, missing Drake LaRoche’s leadership.
Astros 6-Mariners 3. The sole Correa show.
Diamondbacks 7-Braves 2. Donald helps to end D’back’s 8 game losing streak.
Pirates 4-Cardinals 2. Liriano struck out 10 and allowed only 2 runs on 5 hits. Not too shabby. Kang goes long, with two homers.
Giants 6-Rockies 4. MadBum stares the error which allowed 4 runs into submission and wills his team to victory. He struck out 10. I know prof doesn’t like the MadBum but he amuses the crap out of me.
It was 1980! I didn’t know it was racist! Nobody did. They were Robin Hood. I just thought the boys were cute and Boss Hog was mean. I still like the song. I see this flag here in Florida fairly frequently, especially in Florgia. I like it when I see it because it helps me to know who I should avoid. I thought about using one without the flag, but nah. I’m going to appropriate it.
One of the best Chapelle skits.
No wonder these things take me forever!
Padres 2-Mets 0! I’m done! The Pomeranian beat the Thunder God!!! Wut? Wut? Okay, I gotta go.
So… it’s still morning. At least I finished. What did I miss?