So, What Did I Miss? (4/14/16)

What you are smelling is your awful pitching.

Hey! Oh! Let’s go!!!! The Cubs did unnatural things to the Reds last night with a ridiculous 5 run 1st inning in which they sent 11 men to the plate. Poor Alfredo Simon survived just 2/3 of an inning. Reports are that he starts therapy today as he was seen muttering to himself.

Lackey the Lesser recorded the all important W. Bryant hit only his first home run of the season? Perhaps Arrieta gave him some pointers. Lackey was quoted as saying: “This lineup is deep.” Yes. Lackey: “This water is wet.” Yes, also true. Lackey: “The fire is hot.” Okay, we get it now. Thank you for the interview, Testicle Face.


Mike Trout went 3 for 5 with 3 RBIs and a stolen base. He’s my Earth (Los Angeles) Angel of Anaheim. ’bout time, baby boy. I’ve been waiting for Trout to TROUT.

Shoemaker, Trout, and Calhoun handed Oakland the sweep with a 5 -1 win. Eric Surkamp had a bad day.

Oh my God, Tropicana Field is such an abortion of a stadium. We needed a new stadium yesterday. Anyone who wonders why attendance is low is welcome to suck my ass. Because even Floridians have taste. I’m the idiot who will watch baseball in a literal garbage dump because YAY!!! BASEBALL!! I’ll find a bright side. Look at me. Don’t I just scream sunshine and daisies? The engineers who designed this stadium… uh, I’m so sorry, but what were you smoking? That was some good shit and can I have some of it? This happened last night. Props to Francisco Lindor for his fine acting. I laughed. That was funny.

Yeah, on the catwalk, on the catwalk, I lost the freaking ball on the catwalk. Catwalks are for fashion week and perhaps for actual cats. Not baseball. And announcer man, Doubleday did not invent baseball, but I understand what you mean.

You know what though? As much as they are dumb, I would love to be up there one day during a game because I bet the view is spectacular. See, I just found a silver lining! I don’t know who I would have to blow to get that deal. I kid, I kid! About the blow job. I would seriously love to be up there before the tumulus joins the graveyard of defunct stadiums. They should auction that opportunity for charity.

As for the game, we got Carrasco’ed, 4 – 1. Last year, he almost no-hit us–he came within 1 strike of The Rays Annual No-hitter. Last night, he almost Maddoxed us. Baby steps. I drank as I did housework and watched the game because I knew I wasn’t missing much. Folding laundry is more fun with a drank.  We did need a hero at the Thunderdome last night, but he never came.

Wow, she does have beautiful legs. Just watch the first 20 seconds.

The Braves continue their quest for 0 – 162. They got blanked by the Gnats 3 – 0 last night. The Barves play like they are sedated. Their fans certainly want to be.

I discovered The Ramones one fortuitous day. I was home really sick  from school–I rarely took a day off, but I had a high fever, the works. Rock & Roll High School was on television. Wow, who was this band? And so it began.

Werth with a 2 run shot. Strasburg was a late scratch. Don’t panic! It’s not his arm. Just the flu.

The Orioles will not go 162 – 0. They will have to settle for 161 – 1. Hopefully that will be enough to make the play-offs, perhaps a wild card, but you never know. The AL East is always competitive. Boston wins, 4 – 2.  Jackie Bradley almost hit a home run, but settled for this triple.

Kimbrel K’d the 9th. They really got the O’s.

The Mets eeked out a victory over Feesh, 2 – 1, as Logan Verrett and Adam Conley pitched a good old fashioned pitchers duel. I want more.

Cespedes was a bit shaken up as he jumped into the stands for a foul ball, but he was okay.

Collins used his closer for 5 outs!

Seattle wins! Wooooooo! 4 – 2 in 10 over the Rangers, finally snapping their skid. Cano homered, Cishek with the win, Dae-Ho Lee (Hey! Ho! Let’s Go!) and there is much joy.

The Blue Jays defeat the Empire, 7-2, with J.A. Happ on the mound–because we’re Happy! Clap along if you feel like Happ-iness is the truth! I almost died when that song was popular. Don’ get me wrong. The first time I heard it, I started clapping along and my co-workers and I did an impromptu dance for a patient. She loved it. It was such a cute song. The 10,000,000,000,000,000th time I heard it, I was ready to self-immolate. Here is a better version, in my opinion:

Pineda pitched well enough, going 6 innings, giving up 3 runs (2 earned) but still took the loss.

“I thought he threw the ball pretty well tonight,” Yankees manager Joe Girardi said. “He gave up the two earned runs in the six innings against a pretty good offense here. I thought he did a good job.”

Ivan Nova no va. He appears to be struggling with the role of long reliever. Goins got going–3 for 4.

Wow, there was a lot of baseball yesterday.

Jarrod “Bush Jumper” Saltalamacchia grand slam in yesterday’s Bucs – Tigers game, the difference maker in the Tigers’ 7 – 3 win. The victim: pitcher Arquimedes Caminero. Ooooooh, I like that name too. He sounds like a dastardly character on a telenovela. “Arquimedes! No me quieres mas?! Porque? Te amo! Piensa de tu bebe!! Arquimedes!!!!!!!!” (break into a sob) Ian Kinsler also homered. His name is okay, I guess. He sounds like a lawyer.

Indecision me molesta. Si no me quieres, librame. Dime! ¿Qué tengo ser? ¿Sabes que ropa me quedar? Pero tienes que decir. ¿Me debo ir o quedarme?

The Phillies win again, 2 – 1 over the Padres. This is no way to get that top draft pick, Phillies. Keep up that winning. Eickhoff pitched well for them, 9 Ks in 7 innings. His opponent Colin Rea (whose name sounds like something we treat at my surgery center–we do lots of colonoscopies–“I’m sorry, you have a terrible case of ‘colinrea’) also pitched well, but his good for nothing team didn’t help him at all.

If I told you Altuve went 3 for 5 and Scott Feldman pitched well, you would say oh, the Astros won? Nope. They lost 4 -2 to the Royals. Salvador Perez homered and Hochevar with the win. Look at this Altuve homer that reaches the train tracks. That is one strong little man.

Wonder Twin powers, do not activate. The Twins are the Barves soulmates, winless for the season, adrift, lost. They wasted a good effort by their starter, Phil Hughes, as they fell to the White Sox, 3 – 0. Carlos Rodon got the win. The Twins had scoring opportunities. One of my favorite sayings is: a RISP is a terrible thing to waste. It makes me seethe.

Can’t fight the seether.

Nolan Arenado did what he does best. Mash the ball, 2 home runs. He drove in 7 yesterday. Of course, RBIs are a team dependent stat–it means he has nice, considerate teammates who get on base for him, but still. 7 RBIs. He had the good sense to drive those nice teammates in when had the chance. The Rockies won 10 – 6. Trevor Brown continues his quest to All About Eve Buster Posey, going 2 for 4.

The Dodgers defeat the D’backs at home, 3 – 1. I tried my best to watch this game, but alas, my let me down last night on every format I tried to stream–iPad, laptop, Amazon Firestick–so sad face. No Scully for me. Hopefully that was just a one night issue. Nick Ahmed homered, and errored, but pitcher Alex Wood was your man tonight.

St. Louis loses 6 – 4 to the Brewers. “…Domingo Santana connected off of closer Trevor Rosenthal for a two run shot, silencing Busch Stadium and ending St. Louis’ four game win streak.” 😉

Son of a motherless goat, I’m stuck at work for the plethora of matinee games. Please keep me updated! Patients are so needy. 🙂 I will miss a lot.  Sigh, Archer, my baby boy.

So, what did I miss?

63 thoughts on “So, What Did I Miss? (4/14/16)

  1. The first time Nova came out of the pen in relief of Pineda, it was Ivan the Great. Last night we got Ivan the Terrible. You missed a Pat Venditte sighting!

    Robinson Cano hit his fifth homer of the season yesterday. Last year he didn’t hit his fifth homer until July 1st. I guess not having debilitating gastrointestinal issues really improves ones performance, huh Andy Van Slyke? Enjoy unemployment, dickhead.

    In a story about a young upstart baseball player displacing the established star, the obvious reference is to say he Wally Pipped the vet, but no, you went with All About Eve. A touch of class right there, and we’ll just ignore everything you said about the Rays. 😛

    Liked by 3 people

        1. It was specifically meant for my girl–the classy professor–but thank you, I appreciate the compliment. 🙂

          I do appreciate the classics. And yes, I can have ‘class’ when I want and check the filth. It is just more fun to let the id run wild.


        2. I love All About Eve. It’s probably my second-favorite “old” movie (loosely defined as pre-1970) after Casablanca. One of my local movie theaters does $5 Reel Classics on Tuesday nights, and I found it there without really knowing anything about it.

          Fasten your seat belts. It’s going to be a bumpy night.


  2. Yay Cano! I’m still alive for another week in the Elimination HR Derby!

    Great feature, ‘Burgie! I particularly like the liberal application of snark and videos.

    Jays hitters did 2015 Jays hitters things to Nova, which can be cruel, but because he wears the pinstripes, there no way in hell I can feel any sympathy. You want sympathy, Ivan?… it’s in the dictionary, between shit and syphilis. And History’s Greatest Monster™, who is so beloved in Toronto (NOT!), went 0-4 with a couple of strikeouts. For A-Rod, I also have no sympathy, but I will offer some here, addressed specifically to him, from the great Sir Michael Philip Jagger.


  3. As long as Alfredo stays away from guns, we’re cool.

    My phone dies and I was in court all afternoon, so I missed my game (caught the first inning and a half), but we never expected anything from Surkamp, he will be the first to go when reinforcements come (expected at the latest in May).

    As for trout, I would appreciate him more if he wasn’t on the angels. really the only team I have distinct negative feelings toward. I mean, I like seeing the borg and their slightly northern counterparts lose as much as the next fan, but its not as deep.

    Lindor is quickly becoming a favorite. I mean, the socks (glorious) already hooked me, but that smile and act…You go francisco, lets hook you up with adrian

    Don’t want to be a grandpa, but your Ramones story is less likely today. kids don’t just watch whats on, they have things on demand. I mean, they’ll find their ways, I suppose, so I’ll stop typing.

    Joe Strummer lived in spain after he became famous. which kinda explains his ventures into spanish.

    trevor story just missed a home run, settled for a triple, where he had rounded third at a full sprint, but immediately put on the breaks. It would have been fun to see a legit inside the park HR.

    I said before that I would not say “wow amazing” everyday, but come on, this one was amazing. You should put the chat app on yer phone, its easy to comment there.


      1. i hope my kids don’t understand “blackout restrictions.”

        Your parents were not stealing. they were liberating. I had a shoplifting case, when the prosecutor told the judge much the vitamins from whole foods were worth, I shouted “That’s the crime here!”

        honestly, I don’t know how I’ve only been held in contempt once.

        Liked by 3 people

        1. Blackout restrictions are dumb. You paid for a service. I agree that isn’t stealing.

          I felt a bit of cognitive dissonance between being told to be honest but stealing cable. I hooked up the boxes. My mom was a single mom and I was the most technologically inclined of the three females in the house.

          Whole Foods is a joke. You should go to jail. I shop at Aldi’s and Amazon. You can get great deals there.

          Liked by 1 person

        2. Whole Foods exists to separate yuppies from their money. The most egregious example was when they were selling “asparagus-infused water,” which was literally just three stalks of asparagus sitting in a thing of water, for $6, but that wasn’t out of line with the other shit they do.

          Liked by 1 person

  4. The Astros loss to KC Tuesday was a well-played game that they just came out on the short side of.

    Last night was a double shovel of crap. Feldman can’t toss to first to get out of an inning. Ken Giles, the five prospect man, now has given up three homers in four games. Springer, Correa and Gomez set up a near-hurricane with flailing bats.

    As to trades? I see Domingo Santana clubbing at Milwaukee and VInce Velasquez emerging as a new pitching star in Philly. And I think, “Wow, maybe you’re not quite as good at this business as you thought, Jeffie.”

    But it’s early. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves just yet.


    1. I think you remember my shock when VV was included in that trade. I own him on so many teams this season I should be paying his mom child support.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I lost him from my Fantasy Team because I wasn’t sure whether the Phillies wanted him as a Starter or a Reliever and it mattered to my numbers. I was disappointed.

        The Astros will be, too. He bids fair to be as good or better than McCullers as a starter. And as a reliever I am not sure Giles will work out any better than he would have.

        But no one asked me.


      1. Hahaha.

        Stealing was from me. Inaccurately giving credit was in retribution for COPO sharing an old Starlin Castro article.


  5. The Feesh brought their “A” game to Shittyfield yesterday. They just didn’t use it. On the bright side, Adam Conley is a keeper – six innings of one run ball, career high nine strikeouts. He wisely let the boolpen take the loss, which seems to be what the Feesh plan on using their boolpen for this season. On the down side, Conley failed to execute two sac bunts that probably would have made no difference to the outcome anyway, since neither one was followed by a hit.

    In other news, Ichiro got his first start of the season, went one for four with a dooblay and made it all the way through the game without panting or fainting.

    Also, the Feesh find themselves staring up at the strange attractor again at 3-4, and the strange attractor is staring right back at them:

    Incidentally, I plan to offer you the most interesting images of strange attractors I can find for every game report of results that bring the Feesh to within five games of .500 wherefrom they can feel measurable effects of its gossamer reality waves.

    The Feesh flew home yesterday in Scrooge McLoria’s refrigerated DC-3, have today orf and will face….oh, this is too funny….the Barves tomorrow. Welcome home, Fat Freddi!


  6. MLB.TV has us blacked out for all Dodgers (only live a short 4 1/2 hr drive away from the stadium) so we black out our social media on days we know Vin will do the telecast and watch after it’s over. It’s the only way we have now.


  7. Was actually at the Cubs game last night, my first time at Wrigley. Thanks to StubHub, riffraff like me can get seats right behind the plate–take that, Yanks! If anyone was watching on TV and wondered who that goober in the Florida State jacket was, guilty.

    Simon looked even worse in person than 5 runs and getting replaced in the 1st after only 2 outs, if possible. Every batter worked the count on him; his pitch count was around 50 in that short time (if a 50 minute first inning can be called short). Lackey actually looked like a professional hitter against him–that single was sharply hit, no fluke. It’s going to be a long season for Reds fans, hope they at least enjoyed last week.

    It was fun seeing Zobrist and Maddon in person again.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I will be there in August, raysfan, for my first visit to Wrigley. Is it the year for Rays fans to congregate on Wrigley? Last year, the wounds were too fresh. This year, I am at peace with Maddon.

      I don’t have doctor money though, I have nurse money. Section 208 for me. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I get sad for a little while when my favorite Rays depart in free agency, but I understand the financial reality. At least in this case they are with a team for which I do have a soft spot as my Mom is a lifelong Cubbie.


  8. “Rock and Roll High School”, starring P.J. Soles of Stripes, Carrie, and Halloween fame, but I digress…

    The Gnats continue to earn that moniker, as home runs by Stephen Drew and Jayson Werth are likely the only things between us and last night’s game entering the 45th inning right about now. Tanner Roark flashed his 2014 form starting in place of the under the weather Strasburg, and Papelbon continues to stalk Francisco Rodriguez’ single season save record, racking up his fifth so far against no failures and no known differences of opinion with any teammates to date; they’re keeping that shit in the clubhouse this year, away from prying eyes, see.

    The NL East will likely be decided this year based in large part on how the contenders fare against the Braves and Phillies, and the Gnats are fortunate to be playing both during their early streak of “good pitch, no hit” baseball, as they head up 95 to visit the latter after finishing up their series with the former today.

    Meantime, not long after today’s game ends, the Capitals will be starting their first round series against the Flyers, so those of us who fancy ourselves fans of both franchises will get started on our postseason angst, wondering if this might finally be the year, while we hope that Nats’ ownership pays attention and learns how to keep the subway open past midnight on a school night.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Adrian Gonzalez with his first homer last night. He has an OPS of 1.022 this season. Adrian has played in at least 156 games for 11 straight seasons. His 90 RBI last year was the first time he had fewer than 99 in that that span. I blame Don Mattingly more than OBP disasters Jimmy Rollins and Carl Crawford who simply stink now.

    Adam Conley had 9 K’s in six innings and he was still hitting 95 in the sixth when he fanned Cespedes and Walker. This kid is for real.

    Carros Carrasco is a Cy Young Award waiting to happen.

    I think Nolan Arenado takes a serious run at the Triple Crown some day.

    Robinson Cano is as locked in as he’s ever been. His second half last season was vintage Cano. People still lost faith in him because of a poor first half. Of course he gets no credit for playing through a debilitating stomach ailment early in the year without making excuses or missing games.

    Liked by 5 people

    1. I’m really stoked about the Robinson Cano Continuing Resurgence. I know that NYC tabloid chatter is less than worthless, but when one of the rags started rumor-mongering that the Mariners were looking to eat money and cut bait, I pretty irrationally got my hopes up. As long as he doesn’t fall off a cliff in the next year or two, he should cruise right into a HOF career when we look back at it.


  10. Cubs hitters through 8 games have drawn 48 walks, the most in the majors.
    Cubs pitchers through 8 games have allowed 13 walks, the least in the majors.

    Seems like that plays a large part in the team’s +36 run differential, which I’m going to say leads the majors without even looking it up, because how could it not.


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