For those keeping count, and we’re baseball fans, that’s all we do, is keep count, the Orioles are now 7 – 0 for the season. We bow before your divine majesty. Come your highness. They await you.
To put it in historical perspective, this is their franchise’s best start since moving to Baltimore in 1954. This is also the team that did not get their first Spring Training win until their 13th game, which shows you how much stake you should put in early spring training games (i.e. zero). Those games are just warm-ups. Big Papi hit his 506th homer in the game.
Per MLB.com:
Ortiz’s three homers in the first seven games of the season made him the first player 40 years or older to pull off that feat since Hank Aaron in 1974. Papi’s double in the eighth was his 293rd at Fenway, passing Wade Boggs for third on the all-time club list behind Hall of Famers Ted Williams and Carl Yastrzemski.
Fantastic match-up for chicks who dig the fastball: Syndergaard v. Fernandez. Even more important–it was the Iron Giant versus Thor. This was the first time the two faced each other. Thor can throw 99.86 mph. The Iron Giant can hit 120.14 mph. The universe could have imploded. Do you even realize what mortal danger we were in last night? You had no idea, did you? We are all lucky to be alive. The match-up between the two marquee pitchers did not disappoint. The fishy ones won 2 – 1. Thor struck out 12, but his team could muster no offense against the fun loving Jose Fernandez, who struck out 10 (nope, he struck 5, thanks Original Gangsta. I must have given him extra crediy for being adorable.) Jose was quoted after the game as saying, with his trademark smile,”I try to make it fun all the time.” This young man gets it. He gets everything. Few have suffered in his life like he has in his young life. He almost died to make it to this country. Arrested multiple times before he was 15: charge, trying to defect. Cuban prisons are not fun. Yet, he still has fun. I love that boy. I really like it when a baseball player is great, of course, but I love it when they are even better humans than they are players.
Martin Prado hit the go-ahead sacrifice fly in the 8th as the Marlins take two in a row from the Mets.
My boys had a good night against a team that normally vexes us terribly, Cleveland. Even when they stink, Cleveland has our number. They swept the Rays in 4 games the last time they were in town and had a +13 run differential against them in 2015. Yeah, we are their bitch. I hate Cleveland, the city. I have been there. Personal vendetta, non-baseball reasons. When Lebron ripped the heart out of that city, I was happy. Fuck you, Cleveland. You deserve it. You suck so much, your own river set itself aflame to commit suicide. It no longer wanted to be associated with Cleveland. Ohio sucks. I’ll tell you how I really feel another time. Why anyone would live there when you could even live in New Jersey, I don’t know.
I know everyone cares about my Rays and the nameless team, so let me get on with it. Corey Kluber was on the hill for the bad guys. Cleveland should have been thrilled to be in a 72 degree climate controlled dome after getting snowed out for so many days in the first week. That had to suck. As usual, the Rays fell behind. Matt Moore pitched well though, and gave the Rays a chance to come back, and come back they did, pleasing this momma. Luckily, the kids were asleep so they could not hear my cheering (and cursing). I was listening to the B-52s as the Rays played, which means I fell asleep the minute they won. I would fall asleep in college to this all the time, and yesterday’s blog post reminded me of them. I do sleep.
Their ethereal voices would soothe and lull me. I woke up later. Time to write the re-cap.
The Rays won 5 – 1. Kluber held the Rays to a sole run through 7 2/3 and then ginger Logan Forsythe hit a 2 run bomb. Longoria then suddenly remembered he’s actually a decent player and hit his own 2 run shot. Good times, good times.
For @professormaddog31, there was an instance of mascot abuse.
The Yankees were winners over the Blue Jays, 3 – 2. Oh, yes McCann can can, oh, yes, McCann can can. I actually felt nauseous typing that. John Sterling, how do you live with yourself? But yes, Team America: Baseball Police Brian McCann did indeed hit a home run to help propel the Empire to victory. I’m sure glad we have McCann policing baseball, making sure everyone stays in line. What are you going to do when he comes for you? Disney! Porno! Internet! Sushi! Liberty! Baseball! Fuck yeah!
Aaron Sanchez pitched well for the Jays, but no run support, eh? What is that aboot? Sumtin’ wrong with your hydro?
I normally do the Phillies last, but let me change it up. They are actually winning, and I like their mascot, and even a couple of their phans. You know I have really grown as a person. When I was a kid, I hated this team so much (Mets fan), and now, I even like a couple of their phans? Wut? You should be soooo proud of me. Anyhow, the San Diego Padres have been shut out in their first 4 of 8 games this season, which okay. I can’t think of San Diego without thinking of Anchorman, so fuck you San Diego. (There should probably be a warning on today’s post. When I get little sleep, my cursing goes up exponentially.) As for the game, Charlie Morton struck out 7 for the Phillies, as they went on to beat the Padres 3 – zip. Herrera’s RBI triple helped to seal the deal.
The following song has absolutely nothing to do with anything. I simply love it. So, here it is. Let’s see. The band’s name is The Outfield and there was an outfield in the Phillies – Padres game. I can confirm that fact so there. That is the baseball connection. Come around and talk it over because there are so many things I want to say. I ain’t got many friends left to talk to and nowhere to run.
Oh, Braves. Still winless after all these weeks. 0 – 7. The Nationals won 2-1 as Royce Harper did his thang because that’s what Royces do.
Look at Harper celebrating on second base. What would McCann say? Shame, shame! No respect for the game. The Nationals are 5 – 1 and though it is early, it looks like they are fulfilling all that promise they held last year. Dusty Baker, huh. He’s a uniter, not a divider. In honor of el doble, hit it! It takes two bases to make a thing go right.
Rough night for Oakland as Pooholes also decided that it takes two to make a thing go right, with a two run double in the 8th to assist the Angels in their comeback efforts. To cement it, Geovany Soto put a dagger in it with a two run shot (because it takes two again), in the 9th. The final score: 5 – 4. Gravemen pitched well, but the bullpen let the A’s down with Doolittle taking the loss. The Angels have won 10 of their last 13 at O.co. (Do not click this link, clydeserra. You seem like a nice person.)
My basketball loving friends will get a kick out of this. Trout and the Angels visited the Warriors and played a game of P-I-G with Stephen Curry. I say Trout needs to focus more on baseball and scoring me more fantasy points. 😉 Basketball, smh.
In Seattle, we have heartwarming story. Not for Seattle, they have been terrible so far. The Rangers won 8 – 0. This story escaped me Monday night, but I will tell it now. Rangers catcher, 27-year-old Brett Nicholas who had spent 6 years in the minor leagues, overlooked as a prospect, made his major league debut. He had about 20 family members there to see it happen, including his 92 year old grandpa, Frank McCabe, who taught him how to play. I think I just got a little dust in my eye. I need to dust more. Nicholas said he had goosebumps. Yeah.
As for the game yesterday, Wade Miley sucked as the Mariners lose their 5th straight game. Adrian “Don’t Touch My Motherfucking Head, Alright” Beltre had a 5 RBI night including a home run. Beltre dopped a bomb on the Mariners.
The Tiggers bounced back last night against the Bucs, 8 – 2, because that’s what Tiggers do, they bounce. Pretty Venezuelan pitcher Anibal Sanchez pitched well and Justin Upton flexed some muscle, sending a shot to straight away center that has not landed yet. 451 feet per Statcast. Exit velocity 111 mph. Angle 28 degree. That’s what Justin Upton do. Nicasio, my bleepin’ fantasy pitcher took the loss. Nicasio is an asshole.
Bounce it, indeed. That swing was a thing of beauty.
The Royals topped the Astros, 3 – 2, with Lorenzo Cain showing some firepower early in the game–a three run homer in the first inning, which stood up the rest of the game. Kansas City, can we please have Davis back? No take backsies? Dang.
My baby boy Trevor Story was eaten by a shark last night. Tragic story. Smardizajiajzazia struck him out 3 times, which seems excessive to me. Downright mean, really. San Francisco had no trouble shutting down Colorado, 7 – 2. Back-up catcher Trever Brown of the Giants, playing because Posey is resting a sore foot, made a bid to take over Buster’s job full time, hitting a couple of two run homers. Posey, who?
Kenta Maeda, one of my new favorites, went six scoreless for the Dodgers but it was not enough as Nick Ahmed went yard in the 7th and Goldie did the same in the 8th for Arizona, giving the D’backs the win, 4 – 2. This was the Dodgers home opener which means–yes! Vin Scully. His last year. Enjoy it everyone. He is a treasure. I am going to miss that voice so much. I got to catch the last couple of innings of this game. I could really listen to him talk all night long. Best baseball commentator of all time that I have ever heard, and it’s not close. Puig made a great throw home. Listen to him call it. He’s silent for a couple of beats, letting the play tell the story.
And with that, I bid both you and Vin Scully adios.
So, what did I miss?
Fan Interference 
New Jersey: At least we don’t suck as much as Ohio, yo. Represent!
After his game-tying home run, Brian McCann fouled a ball off his foot and had to leave the game. Initially tests appeared to be negative, but I believe he’s sitting today and they’re going to do some follow-up tests to make sure it’s just a bruise and he didn’t break a toe. No results in yet on whether or not he had an aneurysm after Starlin Castro pimp-walked his way around the bases last week.
Mike Trout and Steph Curry, together? swoons So much domination of their respective crafts. If they ever met up with Leo Messi, I might just spontaneously orgasm. You should be happy that the NBA playoffs, aka Riley Curry Press Conference Season, is upon us.
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Thanks for that morning visual. No, no, I didn’t want to eat breakfast.
I thought you guys might like that. 🙂
Oh, I missed that about McCann’s foot, thanks. Hope he’s okay.
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We aim to please!
Err, not helping, I guess.
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Actually, Sheriff McCann didn’t foul a ball off his foot, he was catching and got hit by a foul ball off the bat of The Parrot Whisperer™, Edwin Encarnacion. Right now he’s listed as DTD, but at least he got that dinger for my fantasy team last night, even if it was against my boys.
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New Jersey: Better than Ohio. I think it should be your new tourism slogan.
At least your rivers don’t spontaneously combust. Too many dead bodies floating in them.
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I feel like our tourism efforts can’t help but go up once Governor Stockholm Syndrome isn’t involved in them. And while our rivers don’t spontaneously combust, we’ve certainly got our own issues about what’s in them. Did you know that New Jersey was the home of the most superfund sites in America? No, not per capita. Total.
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Yes, I know, former smelly neighbor. Florida might suck, but at least we’re pretty.
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In some places. I’ve driven through North Florida, remember?
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Nah, man, that’s south Georgia. Hug the coasts, and stay south. The panhandle does have some pretty beaches. Again, hug a coast.
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That’s weird, in Atlanta they refer to South Georgia as North Florida. Maybe both states need to divest themselves of that anti-choice billboarding hell hole and render it an unincorporated territory.
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Georgia is way more conservative than Florida. We turned blue last two Presidential elections. They can make no such claim. They teach creationism in public schools:
http://www.slate.com/articles/health_and_science/science/2014/01/creationism_in_public_schools_mapped_where_tax_money_supports_alternatives.html
That factored into my decision to not move there. I love North Georgia–Elijay is one of my favorite places on this earth–but I won’t raise stupid children.
They can keep it North Florida, except for the beaches.
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The north suburbs of Atlanta are really nice, but yeah, the worst part of Atlanta (and Athens) is that they’re surrounded by Georgia.
That said, Georgia is one of two red states that demographic changes are inexorably making blue, and the Clinton campaign seems to be under the impression that Trump winning the nomination would put Georgia in play for her.
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Atlanta is an oasis. The rest of the state–not so much.
Florida has more of these oases. Not just one lonely liberal city.
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And, um, that map is not favorable to your case.
You know where they don’t teach creationism in public schools? New Jersey!
New Jersey: At least we’re not making your kids fucking idiots, yo. Represent!
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But they’re going to die from toxic shit! Oy vey.
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Yeah, lol, not really. We’re still a blue state.
My kids go to Catholic School so they’re getting creationism anyway, but I can fix it at home. It’s an allegory. The school assured me evolution is taught. I gotta get that kid ready.
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Yes, but they’ll die well-education on how we as a species evolved, and isn’t that what’s important here?
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A “blue state” directly responsible for unleashing the Bush Error upon us. Oh, sure, you voted for Obama twice when it didn’t actually matter, but when you had a chance to change the course of this country’s future, you stepped on your collective dicks. Good job, good effort!
In New Jersey, even the Catholic schools teach straight-up evolution (or mine did, anyway). Even religion was taught from an academic perspective. LaSallian educators ftw!
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That was the court system, assigned by Bush, his brother. This state voted for Gore. You think those old Jews voted for Buchanan? The ballot was defective. The right thing to do would have been re-vote.
As if this was the only state to vote for Bush. We were the final deciding one, but if all those other fucking idiot states had done the right thing, like Georgia, it would have been a moot point. Kinda your fault, leaving it up to Florida. Tough shit.
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@Indaburg”Florida might suck, but at least we’re pretty.” I could make SO many bad jokes about that quote, you’re lucky I am on my way to work.
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Have at it, slappy. I knew what I was saying. 🙂
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Was that Republican apparatus at the state level installed by a military junta?
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have a friend from south georgia/north florida. I won’t talk to him on th ephone because of his accent, can’t understand a word.
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I think of trout more like Cristiano, really good but not as fun to watch
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Yeah, but Trout’s a nice, down to earth guy. Cristiano is the biggest douche to ever douche in sport. He makes A-Rod look like a humble dude.
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The most notable thing about the Nats game was that Gio didn’t Gio; he and Chacin matched goose eggs for six innings apiece before the bullpens took over.
Oliver Perez tried to Gio in the 8th, walking a couple of guys before striking out Freddie Freeman, Nats Killer. I noted that Freddie’s struggling in the early going, with a BA around .100; I wonder if all the roster reconstruction down there might be wearing on him a bit.
Speaking of Dusty, it’s definitely a new era in DC. Twice last night he swapped relievers mid-inning for situational reasons, which may be twice more than The Big Marine did in his two years at the helm. It’s definitely old school bullpen management, where guys’ roles are defined as “get righty/lefty hitters out in high/low leverage situations, independent of the inning”, instead of “He’s my Xth inning guy”. Dusty also let Treinen finish the 8th and start the 9th (heresy under the Williams administration), and brought in Rivero for a 1/3 inning save when Treinen ran out of gas, as Papelbon had pitched the previous two days and was unavailable.
I don’t know about fulfilling the promise of years passed – there’s a lot of baseball to play, and some creaky veterans are being asked to play it – but there’s definitely a change in atmosphere around this team this year, so here’s hoping that they continue to be fun to watch.
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The team seems energized. You’re right; there is a lot of baseball left to play, but I heard an interview with Harper, and he was singing Dusty’s praises. I think that barring gross incompetence, a manager’s true value is in how manages all those fragile millionaire egos and his communication skills. Your previous manager was incompetent and a failure communicator. Dusty may not be a sabermetrician, but he knows people.
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“Dusty may not be a sabermetrician, but he knows people.”
Indeed; that’s probably the best one line summary of Dusty that I can think of at the moment.
Again, it’s early, but it sure looks like the Nats dodged a bullet when they fucked up the negotiations with Bud Black. (I reserve the right to retract this statement some time in the future.)
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Hmmmm… Curry… Sweet curry… You just made me hungry, hope I don’t turn into a zombie… Hungry, and only looking for curry.
(And the Braves lost yet again! First round pick, here we come!)
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They’ll get a first round pick and they’ll blow it on a pitcher!
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And it gets a little worse for the Braves – http://www.nbcwashington.com/news/local/Atlanta-Braves-Player-Hector-Olivera-Arrested-in-Va-After-Alleged-Assault-375551521.html
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Johanna, don’t be slagging too much on Cleveland… the city that gave us Drew Carey and the Rock and Roll HoF, and started the baseball career of my favourite good-ol’-boy, Jim Thome. Yes, Florida may be pretty, but you still have Governor Skeletor, which is too much ugliness for superficial beauty to mask. That said, we are looking at a Spring Break trip to the Orlando area next March… just in time for Spring Training.
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rock n roll hof is not a selling point
http://www.rollingstone.com/music/features/steve-miller-this-whole-industry-is-f–kin-gangsters-and-crooks-20160411
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careful auto play
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Jim Thome ❤ I can forgive a multitude of sins for good ol’ Thome, mashin’ some taters.
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Whereas it is true that Skeletor is pretty cadaverous, no one had an uglier governor than Jan Brewer of Arizona. Not only was she physiognomically hideous, but her ugly welled up from within and hardened in fractal waves and ripples like magma from a deep ocean vent. I think if they stored her in the British Museum, the mummies would bust out of their plexiglass sarcophagi and walk out in protest.
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You have no idea why I hate Cleveland. It’s personal.
I live in Florida. You know how hot that makes Florida? Off the charts. I make up for that ugly monster. 😛
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The rays pitching is good. Don’t sleep on that AL east.
trout can get your fantasy points later. Geovanny soto wasn’t the Ex Athletic I had my money on for ripping out my heart. I was expecting pennington. Still an encouraging game, Graveman was good. walks in the 9th are never good. (you may have missed that soto almost was out with a foul pop up. It would have taken a good play, but Alanso’s route efficiency was 12, i think he thinks he should have caught it.) And no I won’t watch your stoopid video.
Being objective, I don’t get the ANgels/warriors thing. Angels have TWO NBA teams in their “city” (I mock, having grown up there). Why visit the warriors? I mean, I get it, the warriors are good or something, but its just weird.
I love beltre. he is the bestest. You know what else I love? Major league debuts. I stop what I am doing whenever a person is making their first plate appearance or pitching for the first time.
Growing up in Orange county, I listened to vin everyday from 1977-1985 (when I discovered punk rock girls didn’t like baseball, so I stopped) then a little bit in the mid 90s, not everyday, but here and there because I liked the stories. He is far and away the best. I think its because he has the stories, and he ties them in to the action so seamlessly. Also, he does so much research on individual players. I remember Brandon McCarthy being excited because He was pitching at dodger stadium. He was excited because vin scully was going to say his name.
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Brandon McCarthy is so cool.
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I was just re-reading everyone’s comments, and I missed your punk rock girls didn’t like baseball comment. Says who? They were just the wrong punk rock girls.
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i know that now. there are lots of things teenage boys are pretty dumb about
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🙂
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Not only was there mascot violence, I SAW THE VIDEO. What did Raymond ever do to those guys? Not give them enough hugs? I mean, I know he’s kind of a weird furry lump of a mascot, but…. 😦
There used to be some old lottery commercials that featured Ray Charles and some lovely, sequin gowned ladies singing “You don’t have to play to win.” Apparently the Braves took that commercial to heart because dammit.
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Also – JJ Hardy. Helllloooooooooooooooo ladies.
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Not bad at all, eh? Hubba hubba. 😉
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I’m a sucker for pretty eyes and an even prettier smile. 🙂
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Where’s the barf emoji?
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You may want to see a doctor for that nausea, historio.
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and guys remember, day baseball today and, if things go right, I’ll be in line at the DMV (remew your license on time people), so load the chat app on your phones and keep me company
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Tulsa’s own The Gap Band! Represent, y’all!
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What you missed, my dear Indy, was that the Feesh won last night because Dee Gordon fouled orf an alltime Feesh team record thirteen pitches in a sixteen-pitch at bat in the eighth and finally blooped a single over shortstop, took second on a wild pitch and scored on Prado’s pinch hit sac fly. Gordon wore out Mutts Muppet Master Jim Hen(der)son, who took the loss. During this marathon at-bat on a cold and clammy Nyorc aborted spring evening, the cameras kept switching back to Barry Bonds, shivering in the dugout like one of Lord Franklin’s midshipmen, laughing his newly tapered ass orf as Gordon continued to launch Hen(der)son’s orfering backwards and sideways into the wussy netting. When Gordon finally blooped the hit, Bonds threw back his head and roared with delight. When Flash reached the dugout with the go-ahead run, their eyes met like long lost lovers. It was truly touching.
Also, El Keed struck out five, not ten.
The Feesh have now evened their record at 3-3 and Jar Jar baseball can finally revel in the glitter and hummmmm of the strange attractor..
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lol, thanks O.G. I recap all the games.. I do my best en la madrugada but I can’t watch every minute of all of them. Anything you can fill in is greatly appreciated. Thank you, I will fix the error. 🙂
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hahahahahahahahahahahahaha
ha
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JJ Hardy’s two measured 321 and 331 feet. His teammates mocked him mercilessly when he returned to the dugout for his baby home-runs.
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“Do you even lift, bro?”
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Cleveland. Shitty city in a shitty state. Zero redeeming qualities. Even Jim Thome got the hell out as soon as possible.
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Yet he waived a no-trade clause to go back to Cleveland in 2011, and in 2014 he went back and signed a one-day contract so he could retire as a Cleveland Indian. Also, 12 years (1991-2002) doesn’t seem like “as soon as possible”.
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Hahahahaha! I just popped over to the Dog’s Breakfast Formerly Known as HBT, just to see what was up and read through CC’s piece on Vin Scully. Some troll named “JihadiOldGator” was being obnoxious and was served up the best beat down line I have seen in awhile…
I’m not saying you’re an assh*le, but I’d unplug your life support to charge my phone.
Brilliant! I just had to share it.
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By the way, Gator seems to have a few trolls over there now. Along with “JihadiOldGator”, there is another poster called “WishboneOldGator”
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I haven’t bothered to look. It’s probably the same idiot. I don’t even post there anymore, so whoever it is is welcome to call himself anything he wants. You folks have the only genuine article, right here.
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And for that, we are profoundly grateful.
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check this out if you haven’t already seen it.
Adam LaRoche “spent 10 days in November in Southeast Asian brothels, wearing a hidden camera and doing undercover work to help rescue underage sex slaves.”
http://www.slate.com/blogs/the_slatest/2016/04/13/adam_laroche_s_southeast_asia_sex_trafficking_investigation.html
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Come on down to Clevelandtown everyone…
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But EXCITEMENT is coming to Cleveland in July!
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Ackcherley, a good friend of mine from Perth, Australia sent me this promotional film about her beloved city where the sociological phenomenon known as “The Cringe,” which has receded from most parts of the continent, is still apparently alive and well:
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OG, great clip, and I can assure you ‘The Cringe’ remains alive and well pretty much everywhere not named Sydney or Melbourne. Near enough three-quarters of our population live in just five cities, with close to half in the aforementioned S&M.
As you well know, Perth is a looong way from any other major urban conurbation, with nothing but ocean or desert in between (1700 miles east to Melbourne, 1800 north to Jakarta, and over 5000 west to Jo’burg). With its sunny climate and nearby beaches, Perth is a really beautiful place, and its remoteness from the rest of the world is, in my opinion, a major positive. However, the local political class on both sides of the fence just keep on pushing for endless development with the aim of being all grown up and ‘vibrant’ like their sister cities in the east.
Which, of course, completely contradicts the reason many were attracted there in the first place, ie. it wasn’t a big city.
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