Jar Jar Baseball on the Asiento Caliente? First Week Analysand

What must be going through the mind of the Feesh’s hapless manager as they head north towards Gotham for their epochal collision with the doughty Mutts?

Rumors are already swirling around through the executive washrooms and empty press room at Macondo Banana Massacre field: could Jar Jar Baseball already be sitting in the hot seat after the Feesh got orf to an ugly 1-3 start? Is seat heat the reason he always stands in the corner of the dugout?

Soitinly, the mercurial owner of the Feesh has been closely watching. His mounting disappointment is already producing harmonic vibrations recorded by the seismometers in Golden. First of all, Jar Jar spent half the spring trying to talk his boss out of trading Marcell Ozuna – who is now batting .111 for the first week of play, slugging zero and driving in no runs while striking out so assiduously that the team was able to turn orf the ventilation at the stadium during their homestand. Second, the owner has been overheard mumbling to himself in the gilt-edged mirror he has had hung above the urinal in the executive washroom about why Jar Jar wanted to keep bringing in Chris “Kick me!” Narverson and Bryan “Kick me harder!” Morris from the boolpen in close games. Here’s Jar Jar in a typical late inning mound meeting, explaining that the lefty-lefty matchup is a natural principle as invariable as the solution to the unified field problem:

Aside from the stumble out of the grate, it would make sense for Scrooge to fire Jar Jar now. He finished paying the salary of his second-to-last “real” manager, Trotskyite agitator Slobbering Ozzie, last season – thereby appeasing the dozens of abuelos and the nietos  they were babysitting who gathered before the stadium in geriatric protest of his endorsement of Fidel “La Revolución no es la rhumba” Castro in 2012, and is now paying orf only Mike Redmond (two more years) and the Meerkat (one more year), leaving open the third slot for terminated former managers on salary. Jar Jar, with his four year deal, would keep that remunerological niche filled through 2019. It would be a good way for Loria to find the stability which has been eluding him since he was dropped as a baby.

And who would replace Jar Jar if he were to become the tenth skeeper of the Feesh to face cannery row under Supreme Leader Scrooge McLoria?  Some have predicted that his logistical hair would be bench coach Tim “Tuco” Wallach, or possibly even President of Baseball Operations Michael Hill, last seen playing Cromwell to the Meerkat’s Thomas More. And why not? I liked Cromwell in L A Confidential too. Regardless, this may be a crucial weekend for Hairless Leader. We shall see. Feesh fans, hold your breath – and try using your gills for a change.

















5 thoughts on “Jar Jar Baseball on the Asiento Caliente? First Week Analysand

  1. This isn’t always the case, but getting fired by Scrooge McLoria typically is a bonus for a manager’s future job prospects (see: Girardi, Joe and Gonzalez, Fredi). Ozzie might be toxic, but I’d be shocked if Mike Redmond isn’t back in the game before long.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Congrats OG, Only four games in before the talk of the ritual beheadings begins. I’m sure that the morale will improve with Jar-Jar’s head on a pike in the locker room!😉

    We should call Loria the bizzarro Aqua man. I mean the real Aqua man’s only useful ability was helping/talking to fish and he can breathe underwater, Loria can ONLY
    hurt and non communication is a given. Also, I would love to see if Loria can breathe underwater….six or seven hours should do it.

    If perhaps he can….well….burn him as a witch!


    • Mas fortunadamente, the Feesh scored bigtime on poor Steve Matz last night in the damp, chilly confines of Shittyfield. Jar Jar can relax for a few hours as he contemplates how long his boolpen will feign competence as it did in the game just expired.

      As far as Scrooge, he was probably home shaving.


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