What is the Trevor Story, indeed, morning glory?
“Story went 3-for-5 with another pair of home runs and four RBI in a losing cause against the Padres on Friday night.”
Wow. Twenty three year old Trevor Story of the Colorado Rockies continues his quest for global domination with his unbelievable home run orgy, and I will continue with the awful puns. If you want me me to stop, you’re going to have ask that baby faced wunderkind to stop. He started it! This is just unreal. We need permission to breath his air. I hope he’s enjoying a champagne supernova. He deserves one. Go literally soak in some Moet & Chandon, son. He himself is a Champagne Supernova.
Let’s look at his stoopid April stats. Someone pointed out his .ISO to me, and looking at his .ISO with 14 at bats is as meaningful as me telling you that there is a life-sized purple unicorn wearing a thong playing bongos in my living room right now (I probably should not have done that hit of acid in college; flashbacks are a bitch) but let’s look at his ISO anyway because it so ridiculous: .857. .857?!?!?!?!?!?! HAHAHAHAHA, ROFL, LMAO. GTFO!!! In-con-cei-va-ble!! That number is just so stupid dumb for ISO. Also, get out of my house, unicorn. I hate unicorns. They really think they are all that–conceited bitches.
Anyhow, I’ll keep telling you his (West Side) Story because he is Baseball. His slugging is 1.143. Of course it is. It may as well be an infinity symbol. His batting average is .286 as is his OBP. So, there are two outcomes when he comes up: Home Run or GTFO? Someone needs to reprogram Trevor Story. Does anyone know C++? Mine is very rusty. I doubt he was programmed in AWK. At his current pace, he will hit 243 home runs. Grok that, bitches.
Yeah, this is his world, and we’re all living in it. Get irresponsibly excited about him and read this Fangraphs article. Yes, I know he is going to have an inevitable crash as big league pitchers adjust to him and the youngster fails to catch up because that is baseball and life–a series of highs and lows, ups and downs–but Oh. My. Goodness. If you are not enjoying this Trevor Story, I almost feel sorry for you. Remember, guys, this is a SHORTSTOP doing this. Can the Rockies just cut Jose Reyes now? And by cut, I mean shank him? You can take the girl out of the Bronx…
The following video needs to be remade, but instead of Michael Jackson being worshiped in HiSTORY, imagine Trevor Story. Actually, I like to only think of Michael Jackson with the Jackson 5, as an otherworldly infinitely talented innocent child (I Want You Back, ABC etc.) because children are wonderful before we adults destroy them–as Jackson himself then destroyed other children. It’s the real circle of life. This video is pretty good though. Bow before his highness, Trevor Story.
Wow, that took a dark turn. My coffee is stronger than Trevor Story, sorry about that. Let’s move along. There are 28 other baseball teams and at this pace, I will be done with this by noon and I have a lot of packing to do. The Rockies lost to the Padres 13-6, by the way, but who cares. Trevor Story is the Story. He deserves Odysseyan odes written about him.
The fackin’ Red Sox came back to win one from the Jays. It was the freebie game yesterday on the MLB Network. My boys were doing dumb things versus the O’s so I switched to this game for a few minutes. The Jays had the game, and then I apparently jinxed Stroman with my eyes too because the next time I checked, 8 – 7 Red Sox was the final. Brock Holt, who sounds like a spy in an Ian Fleming novel, hit a grand slam. Craig Eagle Arms Kimbrel got the save.
Chris Archer looked uncharacteristically awful again versus the Orioles in the Rays’ 6 – 1 loss. The Orioles are 4 – 0. The Best Slider in Baseball was not um, sliding? It wasn’t working. One more start like this for Arch, and there may be some questions. The Orioles just had their way with him. Quien es su papa? Fortunately, everyone knows that April games count less than September ones. It is a mathematical fact; I did the math. As I told scout, they are worth 3/5ths of a normal game, so I am not worried at all. Oh, that whiskey I drank last night? Totally medicinal because:
Baltimore got on the board with Chris Davis‘ solo shot in the second inning off Rays starter Chris Archer. Archer gave up a blast in the fifth to Jonathan Schoop, and two outs later,Nolan Reimold and Manny Machado went deep back-to-back. Matt Wieters also drove in a pair of runs off Archer, who lasted five innings.
The Orioles can really hit, eh? They have me speaking Canadian. Jonathan Schoop, you earned this:
You make Baltimore wanna Schoop. Don’t know how you do the voodoo that you do.
Jake deGrom and his pretty, pretty hair defeated the Phillies, 7 – 2, in their home opener. Whatta man, whatta man, whatta man, whatta mighty, mighty good man. He gives me goosepimples with every single pitch… Sadly though, he did leave the game after 6 very good innings as a medical precaution due to a right lat injury. Motherf*cker!!! Schwarber two nights ago, deGrom last night. Stop hurting yourselves, guys. These guys really need a nurse. Fortunately, you know one. FYI:
“Walker has driven in at least one run in all three of the Mets’ games. He was responsible for five of the Mets’ first eight RBIs this season.”
Would you believe if I told you that after the scoring explosions that both the Yankees and Cubs have been on since the beginning of the season, both teams were relatively quiet last night? Would you? You should.
So I made a big mistake (oh, that Starlin Castro story, lol, wow, that was dumb of me), but try to see it once my way. I’ve been fact checking everything now, like thrice over. If I would, could you?
The Yankees were blankety-blanked-blanked by the Tiger’s should be #1 starter, Jordan Zimmerman, 4-0 in Detroit. That is if the Tigers had a clue, but thanks to fragile egos, he is #3. He is really their best pitcher. He allowed two hits last night to Ellbury and Tex. The Yankees didn’t even put a runner in scoring position against him until his 7th and final inning. Miggy went boom for the first time this season. Nick Castellanos got 4 hits last night, all singles, and made a nice catch. Click the link to check it out. Anytime the Yankees get blanked, it is like heaven beside you.
Poor Cubbies. The news on Warbird’s left knee is not good–he is out for the season with a torn ACL–and they had a rough night last night against Arizona, who handed them their first loss of the season: 3 – 2. Remember though, things will get better.
The game featured Arizona turning a 3-2-5-2-6-9 double play. Wuuuut? TOOTBLAN alert. I saw it live, and yeah. It was a run down at third, and both dumb asses got themselves thrown out. Go check it out yourself. You have to tighten that up, young’uns. I was surprised the D’backs were able to win last night after the thrashing the Cubs gave them on Thursday. The Cubs thoroughly depleted their pen, but baseball. You have to love it, until you hate it. Because you love it. 🙂 Yasmany Tomas singled home pinch runner Chris Owings in the 9th for the gritty ones with the winning run at Chase Field.
Lord, I am never going to finish this.
St. Louis finally won a game! Good for you, sweetheart! You beat the Braves 7-4. Well, you are supposed to beat the Braves so I don’t know how much credit to give you. The game was significant because there were three pinch hit home runs in the game by the Red Birds, a new MLB record. Aledmys Diaz, Jeremy Hazelbaker, and Greg Garcia were the culprits. They sound like names of guys in my high school home room class.
Matheny: “We talked kind of going through the winter about our bench and how there was a little more thump. I don’t think those were the three guys we were talking about, though.”
It’s not often I agree with Mike Matheny.
Okay, let’s wrap this shit up. I need an editor. Or Ritalin. Both. Definitely.
I haven’t given Oakland, my kindred team, much time, so let me not shortchange them today. They were in Seattle. By the way, Seattle is one of my stops this year on my MLB ballpark tour. My goal is to visit all 30 stadiums before I die and ER nurses know how quickly life can change. My best friend since childhood–we were 11 years old when we met, and I love this girl with all my heart–lives in Seattle, and I have not visited her yet. I am going in July to see her when Houston is in town. I am hoping for a Keuchel – King Felix match-up. Safeco will be another notch on my belt. I will also see Wrigley Field (Squeeeee! I want to replicate Bueller’s Day Off but more alcohol!) and… Busch Stadium this year. Yes. The Belly of the Beast, the Best Fans in Baseball, My Childhood Nemesis, the Land of Musial. I am coming for you. I will also try for Citi Field, but that one might wait until next year. New York City has a lot of ghosts.
Anyhow, Chris Coghlan hit his first HR as a Athletic as they won 3-2 over the Mariners. Boy, I really like those road unis. That script Oakland is so nice and green is my favorite color. Taijuan Walker pitched well — two runs on 7 hits — but it wasn’t enough. No run support. The story of my life. This sums things up:
“A’s left-hander Eric Surkamp, called up from Triple-A to fill in for injured starter Felix Doubront, allowed two runs on four hits over 4 2/3 innings in his first Major League appearance since 2013. Ryan Madson notched the save for Oakland, his second this season.”
The rest of this recap will be short. The sun has risen, and I have children to attend to. Mommy duty calls.
Cleveland 7 – White Sox 1. There was snow falling. I am not a big fan of snow unless I am going skiing or tubing, but this is pretty:
Pittsburgh 6 – Reds 5. The burg is 4-0 to start the season, and they are really, really good you guys. I keep telling you this. Very easy team to like. Starling Marte hit his first grand slam.
San Francisco 3 – Dodgers 2 (10). Is this one of those years that the Giants win the World Series? Is it even years or odd years? Rookie pitcher Ross Stripling for the Dodgers in his debut took a no-no into the 8th. Walks were his kryptonite.
Rangers 7 – Angels 3. Griffin makes a nice first start after TJ surgery.
Royals 4 – Twins 3. The Twins are 0-4. Remember @happytwinsfan, things are gonna get easier, oooh, child, things’ll get brighter, some day, yeah, we’ll walk in the rays of the beautiful sun. 🙂 It’s April. It’s early.
Brewers 6 – Astros 4. Gennett, Braun, and Chris Carter went yard. Remember stex, things are gonna get easier, oooh, child, things’ll get brighter.. 🙂
So, what did I miss? And holy canoli, don’t ever let me make coffee this strong again. My hands are almost shaking!