So, What Did I Miss? (4/8/16)*

The one game I watched last night involved an awful sight. No, no. Not John Lackey’s face.

john_lackey_smile-778037It was so much worse. The National League, for some unknown reason, insists on not having a designated hitter. Something about the loveliness of having a person who pitches hitting a home run once every millionth at bat. For that reason, a nice man named Kyle Schwarber sprained his left ankle because if anyone screams DESIGNATED HITTER, it is Schwarber. Also, none of this would have happened if the Cubs had a competent pitcher on the mound. Someone not named John Lackey.

Alright, alright. Enough of my stupid jokes. Seriously, here is what went down. I really was watching the game. With 2 out in the bottom of the 2nd, Schwarber collided with Fowler on a Jean Segura fly ball to left center which was generously scored an inside the park home run. According to, initial X-rays were negative on the left ankle, however, he is to undergo an MRI on his left knee Friday, so the full severity of his injuries is currently unknown.

He rolled on his neck, and his knee did appear to twist. He could have suffered a much more catastrophic injury landing on his neck. Fuck, he ran into Fowler. Fowler is lucky to have all his limbs. Schwarber is a big boy. I am sure I would be dead.

Warbird: “I have no regrets about playing hard and getting hurt.”

The Cubs actually won the game 14 – 6, but it almost feels like a loss. Rizzo almost hit for a cycle, missing a double, and he knocked in 1,000 runs. No, it was 6 runs. It only felt like 1,000. Jean Segura for the D’backs remains smokin’: “eight hits in his first 16 at-bats this year including a pair of homers in his first two at-bats Thursday.”

Who is playing left field, Cub fans? And how much do you want to realign and join the American League? You can just trade spots with the White Sox. No one will even notice, I swear.

Let’s show California some love.

The Dodgers were in San Francisco playing their long time rivals, los Gigantes. The Dodgers started the season incredibly hot, sweeping the Padres in stone cold fashion. The Giants, however, had other plans. Panik! at the Disco had a huge day for the Giants, as did Buster Posey.

Panik! was involved in another test of the new second base rules. The neighborhood play is no longer good enuf. His foot was ruled off the bag in a replay, and the runner was safe.

The Giants ultimately though were victorious, 12-6, ending the Dodgers’ historic streak.

“Glad we didn’t help them make history,” Panik! said. “We don’t usually pay attention to that kind of stuff.”


The Yankees slapped the Astros around some more in the Boogie Down. Seriously, Astros. Get your act together. I excused the night before last, but uh, come on now. Two nights? Tsk, tsk, tsk. Time to crack the whip. No more nice Ms. Nice Momma. The cliche about a picture tells a thousand words? I took this picture from Quick Pitch on the MLB Network this morning, which I am listening to as I write this up for you guys:

This kind of explains the situation in the Bronx, don’t it

Smellsbury made a really nice catch. Final score: Yankees 8, Astros 5.

The Marlins apparently needed a change of scenery, preferring the tempest of Washingtonian politics and the gloomy weather to the perfect Florida sunshine, as they beat the Nationals at home last night after an 85 minute rain delay, their first win of the year and Mattingly’s first win as a pescatarian. We truly have been having the most perfect weather. This time of year is truly heaven on earth in Florida. Little to no humidity, upper 70s, low 80s, sun. I begged for us to cancel our afternoon cases at the surgery center for a “team building activity” at the beach tiki bar (yes, the eponymous Frenchy’s) but alas, my doctors said “No.” Old killjoys.


I really don’t want to go to work today. Oh yeah. Anyhow, the Feesh. They won 6-4. Hechavarria drove in 2 runs, as did Prado. Hechavarria is another one of my favorite baseball names, like Saltalamacchia. Names that roll of my tongue.

Dusty Baker: “We just didn’t get any two-out hits.” This was Baker’s debut at Nationals Park and he received a warm welcome. The last time the Nationals were in town, a domestic violence incident took place. You might remember it:


Oh, yeah, Royce Harper went boom with career #99 HR. What is he? Like, 15 years old now?

Okay, lots of more teams to cover. Let’s see. Did that good for nothing Trout finally get a hit? I haven’t checked yet, but I assume he did. My dumb ass forgot to start him yesterday. I really need to fire myself as manager of my fantasy team. Oh, Pooholes walked off for the Trouts. Cool. The Trouts finally got a victory, relieved to see an opponent other than the Grizzlies. The Rangers intentionally walked Trout to get to Mr. Holes, and he made them pay for it. It was Pooholes’ 19th career walk-off hit (career RBIs 1,699), tied with Big Papi for most. Nice going, Mr. Banister. I am not a big fan of the intentional walk. It’s one of those “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” situations. To me, it just tells my pitcher, I have no confidence in you. And good luck finding the strike zone again. I want to beat their best guy, mano a mano. Conversely, I better have my best guy on the hill too. I don’t care if it’s the 9th inning or the 7th inning.

“We were not going to let Trout beat us. Obviously you pick your poison with those two guys but you still have to make pitches on both of them.” — Banister

Okay, Mr. Banister, does it feel any different or better when Pooholes beats you? How do you want it? How does it feel?

Mr. Banister, please rate it on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the most excruciating pain you have ever felt. Thank you. (Wow, do I miss 2Pac.)

Let’s show the O’s some love. They swept the Twinks as Ubaldo Jimenez pitched 7 strong innings. My favorite cousin is named Ubaldo Anthony. Funny, brilliant. The tragedy is he insists on being called Anthony, although I can call him Ubaldo. He does special effects out in Hollywood. Self-taught CGI and visual effects, never went to college. He did the TRON: Legacy remake because he got into movies thanks to how much he loved the first TRON. He said: “I had to do it no matter what.” He admits the movie was terrible, but I say his effects were great. So…I kind of have a real soft spot for Ubaldo Jimenez. There aren’t too many Ubaldos in the world.  Anyhow, he struck out 7, walked 2, and gave up 2 runs, 1 earned.

“It was a good, crisp night. His tempo and rhythm were good. I thought he deserved an opportunity to go back out there,” manager Buck Showalter said of Jimenez’s seventh and final frame. “He was the key to the game. You can go through a lot of different things in that game, but Ubaldo was the key.”


Manny Machado, who is about a perfect a player on the field as there is in baseball, went boom. He may be a temperamental prick at times, but he has every tool there is, and I love watching him play (caveat: NEVER AGAINST MY TEAM 🙂 ). Adam Jones sat out the game with a sore rib cage. The Birds won 4-2.

Cubano Jose Abreu also went boom for the other Chicago team. Did you know Chicago has another baseball team? Wow, I totally forgot about them. I guess they really do need Drake LaRoche’s leadership. Anyhow, the 6-1 lashing to Oakland gives them the series win, and there was a Dioner Navarro sighting. has this to say about this game:

“The win was Ventura’s 300th of his career as a Major League manager, all in his four-plus seasons with the White Sox. That gives him the 12th most managerial wins in franchise history. Jimmy Callahan, who helmed the team from 1903-14, is 11th with 309.”


I saved the best for last. Hahahahahaha. I kill me, I do. Phillies at Reds. Let’s see.. what happened here. Reds won 10-6 and swept the Phillies. The Phillies are working on getting that first draft pick again. Good job. Ryan Howard hit a home run, as did Jay Bruce x 2, and Eugenio Suarez. Really, there are a lot of freaking home runs being hit. Or is it me doing these wrap-ups that is making me notice the chacochicken hypothesis?

It rained in Cleveland, so that game was postponed. No, I’m not doing rain lyrics! Do I look like a bald ill-tempered cat-loving Braves fan? I’m hot. 😉

Hey, Mr. John Gibbons, a message on behalf of my Sisters, because I’m still not over it and I don’t think I ever will be until he sincerely apologizes–I can forgive:

You don’t have to love me…
You don’t even have to like me…
But you will respect me…
You know why?

‘Cause I’m a boss!

I love the “I told John Sterling he should switch debate” line in that song. I pretend she’s telling Sterling to shut up, much like I do. (Starlin Castro: “Starlight, starbright.” McCann: “”Oh, yes, McCann can!” Really, how do you Yankees fans not kill yourselves listening to him? That would be my whole suicide note: John Effin’ Sterling. I can’t get away from him because for some reason, the MLB Network uses his voice instead of the superior YES announcers when showing Yankees highlights so F*CK MLB NETWORK TO HELL. Phew! I feel better now.)
Okay, I have to get ready for work. Thirty-five patients today.
So, what did I miss, y’all?


*h/t to @elbravo for suggesting adding the date to the headline.




72 thoughts on “So, What Did I Miss? (4/8/16)*

  1. Jeesus woman, do you just wait for me to comment so you can steal my ideas and pass them off as your own content? 😛



        Me, at 5:02 this morning: “You know, if y’all joined the 21st century like nearly every other professional league in the world and adopted the DH, Schwarber wouldn’t own a glove and this never would have happened. Totally worth it to grok over some pitcher slashing .150/.180/.190 getting a hold of a BP fastball and barely clearing the fence though, right?”

        You, sometime later: “It was so much worse. The National League, for some unknown reason, insists on not having a designated hitter. Something about the loveliness of having a person who pitches hitting a home run once every millionth at bat. For that reason, a nice man named Kyle Schwarber sprained his left ankle because if anyone screams DESIGNATED HITTER, it is Schwarber.”

        Scouts, did you know you hired Fareed Zakaria?

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Honestly, I did not read the Midnight Snack–I went to bed somewhat early because I get up early to write this. I would have written something else. I never wear someone else’s dress (and when I do, it looks better on me 😉

          What can I say? Warped minds think alike, young’un. Hollaback.


        2. I realize it’s tough to remember what you said this morning, Grandma, but you did say it.


    1. She’s a nurse, Bravo. They don’t do anything except sit around the nurses’ station, bitch about the docs, gossip about the patients and play solitaire. She has lots of time.


      (j/k ‘Burgie. I know you work hard for the money so we better treat you right…)

      Good report. This format blows Calcaterra’s pathetic ATH out of the water.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. NBJ: let’s be clear about this. The format of HBT was not the Craigster’s idea. The loss of most of his staff, I am betting, was not his idea either. These moves were imposed on him by the pencilnecks and starched suits at NBC. Right now, he’s working his nates orf along with Bill Baer trying to fill in the holes left by the departures of Matthew and Drew. Have whatever disagreements with Criag’s writing you wish, but don’t blame him for that crapola fiesta of a site design. It got shoved down his throat the same way it got shoved down ours.


  2. One more video is required here though… just for ‘Burgie regarding her GDS (Gibbons Derangement Syndrome)…. 🙂


  3. Oh look, an “I love monotony” champion of designatedhitterball has had her liquid pacemaker and is venting upon those of us who take delight in strategy, pathos, tension and other emotional modalities anaesthetized into nonbeing by the textureless rounds of “the Neanderthal game.”

    How quaint.


    1. Ladies and gentleman, I’m pleased to announce that Old Gator was one of the recipients of John Oliver’s Yankee Stadium ticket giveaway.

      He went as the dinosaur last night.

      Liked by 4 people

        1. Ackcherley, this one might be more appropriate – see Yankee Stadium on the lower left? And here I am discovering what I always suspected anyway – the Number 4 train tastes like shit.

          Liked by 4 people

    2. Also, monotony is pitchers collectively making outs somewhere north of 85% of the time. Me, I like hitters when there’s some question as to whether or not they might succeed in a given at bat.

      Liked by 4 people

    3. venting upon those of us who take delight in strategy

      What strategy is there in watching a bad hitter either not get a hit, or make an out? You act like NL baseball is string theory, yet every single manager, even those who’ve never played in the NL, manage to figure it out on day 1. Just say you like it better. Don’t concoct bullshit reasoning that’s easily disprovable.

      Liked by 3 people

      1. “String theory” is a straw man. My premise is only “easily disprovable” to those with the very few modes of Nash Game Theory at their disposal necessary to watch and understand (hahahahah) designatedhitterball.


        1. Lol, you don’t prove, you assert.

          Also,, how about the strategy for a pitcher who has to navigate a lineup with nine competent hitters instead of getting a breather every two-to-three innings? Oh, wait, that contradicts your aesthetic preferences, so it gets consigned to the dustbin.

          Liked by 1 person

        2. Nash Game Theory

          Dear dog did you really invoke Game Theory for pitcher’s hitting? Where’s the equilibrium?

          Liked by 3 people

      2. “Equilibrium” in real baseball occurs in retrospect, when all the ballplayers on the road divvy up the strange and get laid.

        You didn’t think mathematicians were attracted to Nash Equilibrium for the numbers, did you?


      1. Six men came to kill me one time, and the best of them carried this. It’s a Callahan Full-bore Auto-lock. Customized trigger, double cartridge, thorough gauge. This is my very favorite gun… I call it ‘Vera’.


  4. It was the Tale of Two Ubaldos last-night. Ubaldo started the night of pretty terribly. Lot of pitches to give up a few runs and a LOT of hits early. Then around the 4th inning or so he got into a good rhythm and kicked it into cruise control. Showed the best and the worst at the same time.

    Dylan Bundy made an appearance last night, although it wasn’t his best performance. He gave up one hit, one very nearly home-run that was caught back at the wall, and was leaving pitches toward the middle of the plate. But it was really nice to see him on the field and not in the medical wing.

    Joey Rickard was tasked with lead-off duties and hit a solo home-run, and was forced by teammates to come out for the curtain call the fans were demanding. He’s now hitting .455 with a OPS of 1.235. It’s been a really wonderful story. Of course he’ll eventually come back down to earth, and pitchers will adjust and we’ll have to see if he can readjust, but to see this young man, bright eyed and bushy-tailed getting all this love from the city is really a treat to see.

    So far the O’s are 3-0. They have a walk off win, a grab a lead and hold it win, and a come from behind win. I’m liking the diversity so early on. Next up is Tampa, and as they’ve proven against Toronto, they won’t be a pushover. Chris Tillman gets the nod after looking fucking dominant for two innings before the game getting delayed due to rain. Let’s see if he still has any of that magic left in the bottle. He’ll need it facing the talented Chris Archer.

    BTW @indaburg, Manny Machado is batting .421 off Chris Archer in 19 at bats. Chris Davis is batting .308 in 13, and Jonathan Schoop is batting .600 in 5 ABs.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. a tex message!

    well, the A’s aussie by way of canada blew the bullpen hot streak, but I ain’t even mad. it was bound to happen and at least it was a day where the offense forgot to sho up (against mat latos!)

    the giants and A’s always schedule day games at the same time, so my giants loving office mates always want their game on the sole office tv.

    I won’t praise you for this recap, which is fantastic, because you seem to kick its ass everyday. just know that today and for the future you are pretty awesome.


  6. When Trout finally collected a hit last night, he asked for the ball. Also the neon “Troutstanding” sign? Really? Why don’t they just give his family a reality show now, since they put his mom on anyway. Ladies, beware marrying into that family. And, I’m not at all bitter that the Rangers lost. Holland did better than I expected. Beltre is so good.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s pretty damn tame compared to the words that were coming out of my mouth.

      And just think, we were watching him in what will be his best game as a Cub. It’s all downhill from here.

      Liked by 1 person

        1. A chicken bone.

          “And the Southern girls with the way they talk
          They knock me out when I’m down there…”

          Unleash the demon that lies within. 😱 Mwahahahaha… 😉
          (I am a wanton woman, do not listen to me!)


        1. As long as the convent and suicide are options, it is safe to say none of us will fucking Lackey. He is as disgusting on the inside as he is on the outside. Just a nasty human.

          Liked by 1 person

  7. Also, I can’t believe the White Six got a quality start out of Mat Latos. The Freshmaker strikes again.


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