It was so much worse. The National League, for some unknown reason, insists on not having a designated hitter. Something about the loveliness of having a person who pitches hitting a home run once every millionth at bat. For that reason, a nice man named Kyle Schwarber sprained his left ankle because if anyone screams DESIGNATED HITTER, it is Schwarber. Also, none of this would have happened if the Cubs had a competent pitcher on the mound. Someone not named John Lackey.
Alright, alright. Enough of my stupid jokes. Seriously, here is what went down. I really was watching the game. With 2 out in the bottom of the 2nd, Schwarber collided with Fowler on a Jean Segura fly ball to left center which was generously scored an inside the park home run. According to MLB.com, initial X-rays were negative on the left ankle, however, he is to undergo an MRI on his left knee Friday, so the full severity of his injuries is currently unknown.
He rolled on his neck, and his knee did appear to twist. He could have suffered a much more catastrophic injury landing on his neck. Fuck, he ran into Fowler. Fowler is lucky to have all his limbs. Schwarber is a big boy. I am sure I would be dead.
Warbird: “I have no regrets about playing hard and getting hurt.”
The Cubs actually won the game 14 – 6, but it almost feels like a loss. Rizzo almost hit for a cycle, missing a double, and he knocked in 1,000 runs. No, it was 6 runs. It only felt like 1,000. Jean Segura for the D’backs remains smokin’: “eight hits in his first 16 at-bats this year including a pair of homers in his first two at-bats Thursday.”
Who is playing left field, Cub fans? And how much do you want to realign and join the American League? You can just trade spots with the White Sox. No one will even notice, I swear.
Let’s show California some love.
The Dodgers were in San Francisco playing their long time rivals, los Gigantes. The Dodgers started the season incredibly hot, sweeping the Padres in stone cold fashion. The Giants, however, had other plans. Panik! at the Disco had a huge day for the Giants, as did Buster Posey.
Panik! was involved in another test of the new second base rules. The neighborhood play is no longer good enuf. His foot was ruled off the bag in a replay, and the runner was safe.
The Giants ultimately though were victorious, 12-6, ending the Dodgers’ historic streak.
“Glad we didn’t help them make history,” Panik! said. “We don’t usually pay attention to that kind of stuff.”
The Yankees slapped the Astros around some more in the Boogie Down. Seriously, Astros. Get your act together. I excused the night before last, but uh, come on now. Two nights? Tsk, tsk, tsk. Time to crack the whip. No more nice Ms. Nice Momma. The cliche about a picture tells a thousand words? I took this picture from Quick Pitch on the MLB Network this morning, which I am listening to as I write this up for you guys:
Smellsbury made a really nice catch. Final score: Yankees 8, Astros 5.
The Marlins apparently needed a change of scenery, preferring the tempest of Washingtonian politics and the gloomy weather to the perfect Florida sunshine, as they beat the Nationals at home last night after an 85 minute rain delay, their first win of the year and Mattingly’s first win as a pescatarian. We truly have been having the most perfect weather. This time of year is truly heaven on earth in Florida. Little to no humidity, upper 70s, low 80s, sun. I begged for us to cancel our afternoon cases at the surgery center for a “team building activity” at the beach tiki bar (yes, the eponymous Frenchy’s) but alas, my doctors said “No.” Old killjoys.
I really don’t want to go to work today. Oh yeah. Anyhow, the Feesh. They won 6-4. Hechavarria drove in 2 runs, as did Prado. Hechavarria is another one of my favorite baseball names, like Saltalamacchia. Names that roll of my tongue.
Dusty Baker: “We just didn’t get any two-out hits.” This was Baker’s debut at Nationals Park and he received a warm welcome. The last time the Nationals were in town, a domestic violence incident took place. You might remember it:
Oh, yeah, Royce Harper went boom with career #99 HR. What is he? Like, 15 years old now?
Okay, lots of more teams to cover. Let’s see. Did that good for nothing Trout finally get a hit? I haven’t checked yet, but I assume he did. My dumb ass forgot to start him yesterday. I really need to fire myself as manager of my fantasy team. Oh, Pooholes walked off for the Trouts. Cool. The Trouts finally got a victory, relieved to see an opponent other than the Grizzlies. The Rangers intentionally walked Trout to get to Mr. Holes, and he made them pay for it. It was Pooholes’ 19th career walk-off hit (career RBIs 1,699), tied with Big Papi for most. Nice going, Mr. Banister. I am not a big fan of the intentional walk. It’s one of those “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” situations. To me, it just tells my pitcher, I have no confidence in you. And good luck finding the strike zone again. I want to beat their best guy, mano a mano. Conversely, I better have my best guy on the hill too. I don’t care if it’s the 9th inning or the 7th inning.
“We were not going to let Trout beat us. Obviously you pick your poison with those two guys but you still have to make pitches on both of them.” — Banister
Okay, Mr. Banister, does it feel any different or better when Pooholes beats you? How do you want it? How does it feel?
Mr. Banister, please rate it on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the most excruciating pain you have ever felt. Thank you. (Wow, do I miss 2Pac.)
Let’s show the O’s some love. They swept the Twinks as Ubaldo Jimenez pitched 7 strong innings. My favorite cousin is named Ubaldo Anthony. Funny, brilliant. The tragedy is he insists on being called Anthony, although I can call him Ubaldo. He does special effects out in Hollywood. Self-taught CGI and visual effects, never went to college. He did the TRON: Legacy remake because he got into movies thanks to how much he loved the first TRON. He said: “I had to do it no matter what.” He admits the movie was terrible, but I say his effects were great. So…I kind of have a real soft spot for Ubaldo Jimenez. There aren’t too many Ubaldos in the world. Anyhow, he struck out 7, walked 2, and gave up 2 runs, 1 earned.
“It was a good, crisp night. His tempo and rhythm were good. I thought he deserved an opportunity to go back out there,” manager Buck Showalter said of Jimenez’s seventh and final frame. “He was the key to the game. You can go through a lot of different things in that game, but Ubaldo was the key.”
Manny Machado, who is about a perfect a player on the field as there is in baseball, went boom. He may be a temperamental prick at times, but he has every tool there is, and I love watching him play (caveat: NEVER AGAINST MY TEAM 🙂 ). Adam Jones sat out the game with a sore rib cage. The Birds won 4-2.
Cubano Jose Abreu also went boom for the other Chicago team. Did you know Chicago has another baseball team? Wow, I totally forgot about them. I guess they really do need Drake LaRoche’s leadership. Anyhow, the 6-1 lashing to Oakland gives them the series win, and there was a Dioner Navarro sighting.
MLB.com has this to say about this game:
“The win was Ventura’s 300th of his career as a Major League manager, all in his four-plus seasons with the White Sox. That gives him the 12th most managerial wins in franchise history. Jimmy Callahan, who helmed the team from 1903-14, is 11th with 309.”
I saved the best for last. Hahahahahaha. I kill me, I do. Phillies at Reds. Let’s see.. what happened here. Reds won 10-6 and swept the Phillies. The Phillies are working on getting that first draft pick again. Good job. Ryan Howard hit a home run, as did Jay Bruce x 2, and Eugenio Suarez. Really, there are a lot of freaking home runs being hit. Or is it me doing these wrap-ups that is making me notice the chacochicken hypothesis?
It rained in Cleveland, so that game was postponed. No, I’m not doing rain lyrics! Do I look like a bald ill-tempered cat-loving Braves fan? I’m hot. 😉
Hey, Mr. John Gibbons, a message on behalf of my Sisters, because I’m still not over it and I don’t think I ever will be until he sincerely apologizes–I can forgive:
You don’t even have to like me…
But you will respect me…
‘Cause I’m a boss!
*h/t to @elbravo for suggesting adding the date to the headline.