St. Louis Cardinals Hack Public Schools Data, Steal Children’s Innocence

ST. LOUIS, MO—The St. Louis Cardinals, still reeling from the hacking scandal that rocked their organization and all of baseball, have been accused once again of hacking and stealing online data. This time, members of the Cardinals front office allegedly hacked into the St. Louis Public School’s main server in order to steal a relatively unknown computer database that is known to house the very essence of childhood innocence. Sources working for the school system, speaking on a condition of anonymity due to the sensitivity of the ongoing investigation, claim that at least two members of the Cardinals organization hacked their system at multiple points over New Year’s Eve weekend. The school system was closed for the Holidays during that time.

According to those sources, the hackers accessed the “Data_of_the_innocents.mdb” file on at least three separate occasions over the course of a 45-minute time period. Around that time, internal network technicians received notification that something was awry and temporarily disabled the entire network. It is believed that the innocence of 46 schoolchildren were taken before the illegal access was blocked.

“It could have been much much worse,” decried John McDonough, the lead IT Systems Analyst for St. Louis Public Schools. “Another hour [in the database] and the Cardinals would have had the innocence of every child in the greater St. Louis Metropolitan area on their hands. I can’t imagine what they could possibly do with all that innocence! Are they planning some type of séance? I don’t get it.”

A unnamed source close to the Cardinals front office claimed in a text message that the innocence of children was most often used in their system to improve fourth inning defense, run production from left-handed infielders and sometimes simply for the taste. The source further elaborated that Adam Wainwright, the organization’s longtime ace, has on at least four occasions over his career drank the innocence directly from local schoolchildren. “He’s a monster, man. He’ll take any innocence of anything not tied down with a rope.”

At the time of this writing, 38 of the 46 of children had purchased Yadier Molina jerseys. The remaining eight are now Royals fans.


*Featured image courtesy of Seriously, go look at this site.

21 thoughts on “St. Louis Cardinals Hack Public Schools Data, Steal Children’s Innocence

    1. Actually that was my favorite bird growing up. Not sure why I had favorite birds, but I’m a nature buff. Nowadays, my favorite bird is a dragon.


  1. Unidentified sources claim that innocence of 12 of the 46 children, all male, was already stolen previous to the Cardinals’ attempted theft. That same source indicates that the Catholic Church was to blame. There is a call for a reduction in alter boy recruiting budget as well as the number of alter boys they can recruit for each of the next 3 years.


    1. You unwittingly gave me the idea to write this when you defended Molina in a comment on another post. Nothing I disagreed with, but that’s what set the satirical wheels in motion. So h/t to you, sir.

      This comment on the other hand, is way outta line!


  2. Off topic, to another sport, but, for a short bit longer, from the same city. This is NOT parody, but from their first stint in LA, “Ram It!” The name alone, with pro athletes and stereotypes ….


    1. On topic. I absolutely know this song and it’s awesome. The song Da Bears did back in that era and the Icky Shuffle also come to mind.


      1. Related under the “dead” category is both the St. Louis version of the Rams and bad-boy poster player Lawrence Phillips. I hadn’t even realized he was on trial for murdering a fellow inmate.


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