Hump Day Colon Cleanse: Big Money Edition

Even I, one who has never purchased any type of lottery ticket, had to throw my hat into the $1.5 billion Powerball ring. I bought three tickets and expect to win three times on three different sets of numbers, totaling over $4.5 billion in prize money. I’m a math major so don’t bother disputing me on this indisputable math. Nor shall you contest the fact that if the  winnings were spread evenly across the U.S. population, we each would receive over four million dollars. Says so right here:

Thanks Philipe! You are a gentlemen and a scholar*.

I’m not the only one who cannot escape the clutches of the monstrous Powerball jackpot. Everyone is doin’ it, y’all. Even the MLB has provided some insight into the sheer longer than long odds of winning it (estimated at 292 million to 1). Among the list of baseball-related events that have a greater chance of occurring than you or me winning that jackpot are “Miguel Cabrera getting a 57-game hit streak, Bryce Harper hitting five homers in a single game and…”, wait for it….wait for it….Bartolo Colon hitting an inside-the-park home run. Here’s how they determine those odds:

“1 in 160 home runs are inside-the-parkers. Based on his speed score, we can expect that one of every 2,350 Bartolo Colon home runs to be of the inside-the-park variety. Just one per 4,000 plate appearances seems to be the limit for how, uh … unlucky a player can be at hitting home runs. That gives Bartolo a give-or-take 1-in-9.6 million shot to hit an inside-the-parker at any random PA. But, if we consider his actual number of career PAs, there’s approximately a 1-in-39,662 chance that he’ll bring us more joy than $1.5 billion ever could by getting that inside-the-park home run.”



*Winky winky.

19 thoughts on “Hump Day Colon Cleanse: Big Money Edition

    1. Whatever you do, don’t pick my randomly generated selection of numbers. Of course, the chances of that are also longer than the chances of a Colon inside-the-parker.


  1. I’m in a Powerball pool at work, and I told them I’ll do it for fun. It is enjoyable to dream about what I will do with the money and to join in with the group. You know, taking that cheesy ass picture with giant check with the group up in Tallahassee. I also said I realize with the long odds, I may as well have thrown my money in the wastebasket. I was told to take my negativity elsewhere.

    To increase our odds of winning, I explained that we needed to buy a ticket in Wikeehachamomosassa, Fl. Find the oldest, richest person in town, and have them buy the tickets for us. A recent study showed that lotteries tend to be won by people in a bumblefuck town by the person who least needs the money.


    1. That’s correct. Studies show lotteries and tornadoes are attracted to the same things.

      Unrelatedly, you are In Da St. PetersBURG, correct? I will be there at the end of the month! I will be a pirate during Gasparilla throwing beads at children really really hard.


      1. Awesome! Our fake pirate holiday! It’s actually fun even though when I first moved here I was like, “You celebrate what the what? There’s drinking? Okay!”

        How did you get that gig?

        I live just north of St. Petersburg, about a 10 minute drive from there. I once owned a home in St. Pete, a lovely old bungalow walking distance from Tropicana Field on a cool night.


      2. I kid….I’m the drunk idiot catching the beads for no reason. I’ve been to two previously. It’s a fun time but mainly I go because my friend lives in TPA and it’s a cheap trip and a great time of year to leave Chitown.


Join in on the conversation!

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s