I don’t have a seahorse in the postseason really, what with my Feesh handicapped like some Harrison Bergeron by the surplus wrecking ball front orifice shackled to their caudal fins. However, because I have an illustrious friend in Toronto (and one slightly less illustrious but no less praiseworthy professering away at Western Ontario University just down the 401), I had vested my favors in the Jays this year. Even went to a couple of games at the Rogers on my friends’ nickels. Normally I’m an underdog kinda guy but this year’s underdogs all had uberfleas – the Mutts with homophobic cracker Daniel Murphy, the Astros being mostly children, which are horrible.
Argo, I have been paying more attention to the Feather Lice this season than I normally would.
So, here’s my affectionate postmortem. What are they gonna do this orfseason to fill in the holes, because as things stand those holes are going to be craters whan that April, with its shoores sote, the drught of March hath parced to the rote:
– Buehrle sounds like he’s used up. By the beginning of September he couldn’t have snuck an electron past a blind cyclops. If he comes back, he’s liable to be a bottom-of-the-rotation starter at best.
-Biggeth Dicketh is finished, too. Cheap sentiment notwithstanding, if he comes back, it’s going to be as a pitching coach (I think he’d make a great one) or a launching platform for startup private space firm.
-Will AA meet Price’s price? If you’re competing with the Beanbags and the Borg, I bet not.
That leaves you with Stroman as your budding stud and Estrada. Spahn and Sain and pray for rain, remember? It’s the same configuration that sank the Dodgers this season, though in their case injuries had more to do with it than age and overuse. Anthropoulis has got to go out there like some anthropophagous esophagus and swallow up some number three and four guys. For any FA he will be bidding against your two big ugly slobbering exaggeratedly self-entitled neighborhood bullies to the south for anyone worth having.
And the bullpen. Well. Osuna is going to be even better, but he can’t come out every night, and after that Chernobyl-style meltdown in game 4 – which has been foreshadowed by not a few comparable meltdowns earlier in the season – it’s clear that you’re gonna need to restock some fresh control rods bigtime.
So – AA has a surplus of run production on his hands but even with the monumental numbers the Jays put up this season, all those LOBs last night say to me that you need to seed a couple of Punch-and-Judy guys into the lineup too. Contact hitters. Given the competition on the FA market, he’s going to have to get clever and make some steal-your-face-right-off-your-head moves once the trading season begins.
Anyway, it’s hockey season, which is more inherently therapeutic for a Canadian than for a tropical type. The Panthers? Don’t ask. They’re like a haunted house we bought thinking it was just a conventional fixer-upper.
Time to learn some new ways to hurt.